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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26641567">Cutting Through It All</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dhampire/pseuds/Dhampir'>Dhampir (Dhampire)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Love Is The Cut of A Razor [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Gravitation</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Blood and Injury, Complete, Cutting, Depression, Domestic Violence, M/M, Major Character Injury, Near Death, Self-Harm</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 08:55:10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>28,644</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26641567</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dhampire/pseuds/Dhampir</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Yuki's hiding something from Shuichi, leaves for days on end and is acting cold again. With Yuki reverting to his old self, Shuichi is slowly breaking down. (Originally from 2005)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Shindou Shuuichi/Yuki Eiri, Yuki Eiri/Original Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Love Is The Cut of A Razor [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2175534</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Amazing never forget</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Please note, this is dark and deals with cutting, suicidal thoughts, self harm and dark thoughts. While it is not a death-fic, this gets very dark before it gets brighter. </p><p>This was the very first fanfiction I ever wrote and surprisingly, I'm a very happy, bubbly person!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong>Disclaimer:</strong> I do not own <em>Gravitation</em> or any of the characters.<br/><strong>Warning from One-Winged Angel:</strong> Before reading you must have at least two tissue boxes and sound proof walls.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>Cutting Through It All<br/></strong>
  <em>Chapter One</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tired, scared and bloody, I sat huddled in a corner of his apartment. I don't know when the cutting began nor when his affection stopped. All I knew was for almost half a year I suffered inwardly, begging for his touch and yearning for his love and yet I received none. I wasn't enough for him it seemed, he had taken other lovers and had forgotten me. It had been all too long since I heard him speak kindly to me and more and more I found myself violently used and thrown out into the cold.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I never thought of suicide and still now, it does not cross my mind, but instead I cut my arms, my legs and sometimes my chest. Never near any major veins and never enough to bleed to death, but it is my only release now. I cannot beg for his attention for he gets angry with me and sometimes hits me and though the slap or the fist hurts, I yearn for more—more of his touch even if it causes pain. I'm addicted it seems, addicted to him and I can't stop, but every day I cut myself more and more. I try to clean up the blood as best I can and I now wear long sleeved shirts and pants instead of my regular shorts and t-shirts. I can't let him see the months of cutting and self torture because then he really will hurt me, because he'll either leave me or say he doesn't care and in truth I cannot handle whichever answer he gives me.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Even though my cutting sessions have gone on for over two months at least, he still hasn't noticed because he hasn't taken me in four months. At first I tried to appease to him, strutting about the house naked or only half dressed, but though his eyes followed me like a predator, he never touched me. Never have we made love—no, we just have sex and not even that anymore. As I said, he doesn't notice…<em>anything</em>. I have sunk into a deep depression and have fallen ill from lack of blood or nutrition. Yes, I starve myself and for reasons unknown to me, I continue. I guess I believed if I lost weight then he'd like me more, I always was fat. I mean, how many thin people have a layer of fat around their stomachs? When my depression sank in, I just stopped eating, stopped living and yet he sees nothing.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I had actually thought things were getting better for us…how naïve of me! To think that cold hearted bastard would actually like me, let alone love me. But it was beginning to seem a possibility! He talked to me, smiled ever so softly that my heart melted and in his eyes were an emotion I never saw before and I thought it had been love. Or at least fondness…but…I guess I was wrong. Four months ago…or was it five? I can't even remember it's been so long, but he began to change—or should I say revert to his old self, the self that I couldn't get through to. He became so cold towards me and the countless insults came back, almost seven an hour on a good day. I was no longer part of his life anymore it seemed, but I just couldn't leave him, no matter how he hurt me. Maybe I should've taken the hint when I had the chance, but I'm such a stubborn fool to actually take the advice of others, even my own.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Every day he comes home from seeing either his editor or his lover—Oh no, I'm not his lover any longer. Not little old me, I'm just a worn, abused and broken toy. I mean, how can I be when he doesn't have sex with me anymore?—and then locks himself in his office to work on his next story. After that, he goes to bed or goes out. He spends nights out now, sometimes not coming home for days on end, leaving me to worry about him until he comes home drunk or tired.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The first time he didn't come home, I panicked, I called Hiro, K and even Tomha, but no one knew where he was. He came home that night drunk and when I asked where he went and why he didn't call, he shoved me away from him and then threw me out of his apartment. Yes, <em>his</em> apartment. Even though I've lived here for two years, it's still his apartment and I still visit the couch and the sidewalk more than I do his bed. That's when I should've listened to my own advice and left him, but…it's so hard, I love him so much and I don't want to live without him. It hurts me to know he cares nothing for me while he on the other hand is my entire life, but nothing that I do changes his mind and everyday it becomes worse…</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>Four Months Ago</strong>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Yuki!!" I yelled, latching onto his waist once he walked through the door.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Get off me brat!" He growled and pushed me away. His blonde hair was soaked from the rain and he brushed the water from it with a swipe of his hand. Without another word, he stalked by me and locked himself in his office.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I stared after him in minor shock, still on the ground, and ignored the tears starting to build in my eyes. Quickly, I grabbed the take-out I had ordered and knocked cheerfully on his door. "Yuki! I have food!"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Go away brat." He said from behind the door.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I frowned, "But you have to eat…"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The door suddenly opened and I found an enraged Yuki in front of me. "I said 'go away!' I can't get anything done with your annoying voice invading my thoughts. I have a deadline in three days and you incessant chatter is <em>not</em> helping." He grabbed my arm painfully, making me drop the food, and dragged me to the front door. "Get out." He whispered dangerously as he shoved me out into the cold rain without a jacket or shoes. I turned around to see the door slam shut in my face and the lock turn. Wearing only a t-shirt and shorts, I huddled beside the door for warmth, but the rain still pelted against me and by morning I was shivering with cold, soaked through by icy water.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I didn't sleep that night and I ignored my stomach's call for food. I had waited until Yuki came home to eat and so hadn't eaten since lunch. The door opened after the sun came up and Yuki glanced at me briefly before throwing a towel at me and walking away. I watched silently as he got into his car and drove away, leaving the apartment door open for me.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Slowly, I showered, dressed and ate. Then I curled up on the couch and slept the morning and afternoon through, not even waking when Hiro came to check on me. Yet when Yuki walked in, I sat up and smiled at him, my energy returning once more. "Yuki! How was your day?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Shut up brat. I have work to do so be silent and don't disturb me." He growled and shut himself in his office once more. He missed the unadorned pain in my eyes, but I didn't miss the odd smell in the air. I knew that smell…it was perfume and it lingered on Yuki's clothes. <em>Maybe it's his publisher's perfume…yes! It must be hers, Yuki wouldn't cheat on me. Would he?</em> Thoughts raced through my mind. Yuki had said I was his lover, his boyfriend…he wouldn't cheat on me, he wouldn't! I convinced myself that it was just his publisher and nothing else…how wrong I was.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sometime during the night, Yuki tapped me on the shoulder. I was shivering with cold and had broken into a sweat at some point. Both my pillow and blanket were damp with perspiration and my hair slick with sweat. I looked up at Yuki with fevered eyes and made a weak attempt to call his name. He frowned and touched my forehead, removing his hand quickly as if I had burned him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Come on brat." He said, his voice cold, yet his eyes soft. "Let's go to bed."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I tried to stand, but stumbled forward and fell to the ground. "Ow…" I whispered and feebly pushed myself off the floor. Yuki carefully knelt beside me and wrapped his arms around me, lifting me up to his chest. He then walked to the bed, but by the time we laid down, I was already asleep against him. He let me stay like that with him, I guess he felt guilty for causing me such illness, but if I knew it would be the last time he touched me with any care, I would've laid there forever.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>In the days of my sickness, Yuki cared for me. He sat by my side almost day and night, wiping my brow or cooling my body with warm wash cloths. In my fevered state, I could've sworn there was fear and love in his eyes, but I knew that couldn't be true, it was my own longing to see those emotions in his eyes that I saw. One who loved another would not treat their loved one so brutally, never showing love or affection. Yet those fevered days are the days I cherish most because I could pretend Yuki cared for me and he was beside me because he loved me instead of because of guilt.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Though once my fever passed, Yuki withdrew further from me and spoke less to me. When he did speak, it was always threatening or demeaning words as he did in the beginning of our relationship. Always calling me annoying, idiot, brat, childish and so many more that sent me into tears and when I cried, he just watched me and condemned me more. I was back to sleeping on the couch every night and even if I did try to sneak into his bed, he'd curse at me and kick me out of his apartment. So I began crying at night when he couldn't see me or hear me and hiding my tears throughout the day, but nothing worked.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>It had been a month since we had sex and I couldn't understand why. True, he never looked at me during sex and kept silent while I screamed, panted, begged and moaned, but he still touched me and allowed me to lie against him afterwards. I blamed it on his work, knowing he had <em>another</em> deadline coming up, but I knew his work was not what was keeping him from me, the perfume scent was becoming more dominant on his clothes and I began to worry. I had decided to try and entice him with my body. I yearned for his touch and so long without him was slowly breaking me down. Maybe he is right, I am weak, to be so dependant on someone that I can't survive without his touch…but then who can survive when the one you love most despises you?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The first time I tried to seduce him I had came out wearing only a night shirt that ended just at my thighs. I had walked into the kitchen from just awakening and went about my business without <em>looking</em> at Yuki, though I watched his every move from the corner of my eye. I caught him staring at me from over his laptop—another deadline—and smirked inside as his eyes roamed over my body. I opened a cabinet and reached up to grab a glass, showing even more of my thighs. I heard his slow intake of breath and cheered.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The chair screeched back and soon his warm body was pressed up against mine, his erection pressing against his pants. Yet he didn't push me against the counter, nor did he wrap his arms around me and begin kissing me. Instead, he reached up and handed me the glass out of my reach and then retreated back to the table. I tried not to cry, I tried not to let my emotions run openly across my face, but I failed miserably and soon fled the kitchen. I quickly dressed and left for work, so distraught I forgot to say goodbye to Yuki as I did every day.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The second time I wore one of my skimpiest concert costumes I had and tried to come up with some excuse for modeling it. I ended up telling Yuki we were thinking of using it in a music video and I wanted his opinion. I saw his eyes rove over me taking in every crevice of my body from over his laptop, but even as his breath hitched, he turned away, muttering something about me looking like a whore. A sob caught in my throat and I slowly retreated from his study and back to the living room. I curled up on the couch and tried to distract my thoughts by mindlessly watching the television, but it didn't work. Everything I saw reminded me of Yuki and how much he had changed for no apparent reason.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Yuki came out of his study four hours later; I was still curled up on the couch, trying not to cry. He stopped and glanced at me, he could see I had been crying and was upset so he walked towards me. He leaned against the side of the couch, looming over me and gave an annoyed sigh. "What's wrong brat?" He asked flatly.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"What did I do wrong?" I whispered back, not taking my eyes off the television.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>That confused him. "What are you talking about?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I finally turned towards him, tilting my head up to stare into his golden eyes. God, how I loved those eyes… "What did I do wrong? What did I do to make you so mad o-or annoyed? Why are you mad at me?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"I don't have time for this." He growled, "I don't have time to listen to your pathetic whining and complaining." I knew he was mad, I could see it in his eyes.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"You never have time!" I protested.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Because one of us actually works around here." He roared.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I felt tears pricking my eyes, how could he be so mean to me? Of course I worked around here! How could he think not? I put hundreds of hours into my job. "That's not true."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"I've got to meet with my editor and I don't have time for you to be feeling sorry for yourself and whining to me about your problems." He muttered angrily. Then he strode through the door, slamming it harshly behind him and leaving me alone to cry on the couch.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hiro was the first to notice something was wrong. He pulled me aside when I stumbled over a song we were recording and sat me down across from him. "Shuichi, what's wrong?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So I told him. I told him everything that had transpired the past couple days, how Yuki no longer had sex with me and how I thought he may be cheating on me. As I spoke, Hiro's face darkened with anger and disappointment, but I begged him not to harm Yuki or even approach him. He agreed, but resentfully and decided I needed to stay at his house for a couple days. What a mistake that was. I was so upset that I forgot to tell Yuki and when I came back three days later, I found him drunk and enraged.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He was so close to me I could smell the beer on his breath and I trembled at the wild look in his eyes. "Where the hell have you been?" He rasped.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"I-I-I—"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He grabbed my shirt and pushed me against the door, "WHERE?" He yelled.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"At Hiro's! He said I should sleep there for a couple days."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Yuki laughed and took a step back, he never did look drunk, even when he was wasted. "Hiro's…you sleeping with him Shu?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"No!" I cried, "He thought I should give you a couple days…"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"A couple days huh?" He smacked me across the face and I cried out. "You belong to me, Shu, and you will <em>never</em> spend the night at his house again." He hissed and then kissing me possessively, he bit my lip hard enough to make me bleed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"But Yuki!" I cried through my now painfully bloody lips.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He threw me to the ground and stood over me, "I said never Shuichi, I wouldn't want to <em>hurt</em> Hiro now would I?" He knelt down beside me and tracing my bleeding lips, he kissed me so tenderly it seemed impossible he would ever hit me though he just did. "I wouldn't want to hurt <em>you</em> either. You're <em>mine</em> and don't forget it." Then he left, back to his office. I heard the door slam shut and waited a couple minutes before curling into a ball and crying. I'd have a bruise there tomorrow, no doubt about that, and Yuki probably wouldn't even remember what he had done.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And I was right. I awoke that morning and greeted Yuki as I did every day, with so much enthusiasm it could kill someone, but all he did was furrow his brow at the blue and black bruise formed on my face. "What'd you do baka? Run into a wall?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I just smiled and bobbed my head, laughing at how clumsy I was and keeping the hurt out of my eyes. That was the first time I was ever happy that Yuki wasn't touching me, I would've flinched if he had approached me then. I quickly grabbed something to eat and ran out of the apartment with a quick yell to Yuki that I was going to be late for work. But that wasn't true, I was leaving two hours too early…the truth was I needed to get away from Yuki before he figured out what really happened to me.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>No such luck at the studio though. I tried to cover up my large bruise as well as possible, but Hiro saw through it almost immediately. I hesitantly told him that Yuki and I had gotten into an argument because I forgot to tell him where I was and my own clumsiness had caused me to trip over something and fall into the table. I knew Hiro was suspicious, but he let it pass without another comment.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Another month past without too many incidents. I was known as a born klutz so most of the bruises I received when Yuki was drunk were blamed on my own stupidity and clumsiness. Doors, stairs, tripping, whatever…people believed me and didn't question it except for Hiro, but the times I came up with excuses were becoming more frequent. Yuki hadn't spoken to me in almost two weeks now except for annoyed grunts and only watched me when he thought I wouldn't notice. Sometimes I imagined him standing over me while I was asleep and at those moments, I cried inwardly, but I knew they were nothing because Yuki would never do that. My dream Yuki looked so different from the Yuki I saw every day, almost caring, and I wished I could meet that Yuki instead of my Yuki.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Today had been most challenging for me. It had been three days since Yuki came home and I began to worry. He had done this before to me, but never for so long and I was beginning to think maybe something happened to him. Sometimes he would call me or send me a letter when he was going to be away for long periods of times, but now I didn't get anything, not even a note. Yet, I was about to discover <em>why</em> he stayed out so late and so long. The incident that had began my cutting and my starvation.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I refused a ride from Hiro, I wanted to walk home and think. Our last two songs were hits, even though they were depressing. "Hurt Me" and "What You Do To Me" had been in the charts for over seven weeks, both at number one for over three weeks each. Our newest, "What You Do To Me" was now first while "Hurt Me" was at third. Hiro knew who those songs were about, but he didn't say anything, wanting me to come to him instead, but I wouldn't. I couldn't. Yuki had told me to never stay at his house again and I knew what Yuki said, Yuki meant. I wasn't about to bring his wrath down on my best friend.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So I was walking home when I saw a red Mercedes and a familiar head of blonde hair. I stopped immediately and followed the car to a café. I watched as Yuki stepped out of the car, sweeping back his sunglasses, and smiling. I couldn't believe it, Yuki smiled; I hadn't seen him smiled in two months! And then my world crumbled around me. Another person stepped out of his car, a young woman with blonde brown hair and blue eyes. I watched as Yuki pulled her close and gave her a quick peck on the cheek before walking into the café, his arm slung casually over her shoulder. Something I was rarely ever given the honor of, but this woman was receiving it freely and casually from Yuki and he was actually taking her somewhere. Somewhere public, before everyone, while I was stuck in the shadows like a disgusting secret you lock away and never talk about.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I don't know how long I stood there, tears streaking my face, before I ran home, but I knew I was there for a while for the sun was setting by the time I walked in the door. I went into the bathroom and stared at my face red and swollen from crying. My hands were shaking and sobs wracked my chest. I tried to bring myself back under control, but as I reached shakily for the towel next to me, a razor grazed my hand. At first it stung and I cried out, but as I watched the blood pool in my hand and drip into the sink, I felt better.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I picked up the razor and stared at the bloody edge. Slowly I touched it to my arm and cut again, wincing at the sudden burning in my skin. Once more the paper thin cut welled with blood and trickled down my arm. Once more I brought the razor down and twice more after that. I liked watching my blood drip into the sink and I felt the release I had been searching for since Yuki had stopped fucking me. I heard the front door open and quickly locked the bathroom door. He couldn't know I was doing this, no one could know, and so I quickly stepped into the shower and washed the blood away. After the cuts stopped bleeding, I cleaned the sink and razor, placing it back where it was, and then dried off my body. The cuts still stung, but they were almost invisible to the eye and would probably heal without scars.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I had just wrapped the towel around my waist when the phone rang and quickly exited to grab it. Yuki was sitting on the couch and had turned to see me sprint towards the phone. His eyes once more followed my every movement as I fumbled for the phone while keeping my towel wrapped around me. "Hello?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Shuichi!" Hiro said, "Hey man, are you all right? You've been acting kinda weird lately." There was a pause before he added darkly, "Has Yuki done anything else to you?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"I'm fine Hiro, just…stressed, but don't worry about it." I said, smiling. It was true, I was stressed, but since cutting myself, I was feeling better. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay? I've got an idea for a new song." I hung up the phone and turned back towards the bathroom when my eyes fell on Yuki. "Oh. Hi Yuki!" I said in my normal chipper voice before running back to the bathroom to grab my clothes. I then changed into my night clothes and headed towards the couch. Yuki had already gotten up and was making something in the kitchen, so I settled down onto the couch and waited.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I never knew what to expect, so I always planned for both. In two months, I had been thrown out more than in the last two years of living with him. I had taken to stashing a duffle bag of clothes and food outside where he didn't see it and now waited every night to see what he said. Even when he wasn't drunk, he'd throw me out for the stupidest things. Once, I had tripped over something in the hallway and Yuki had thrown me out for being too noisy. Another time I was crying because I burned myself on the stove, he threw me out for being childish and annoying. Other times, even if I wasn't talking, he'd say I talked too much and throw me out.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tonight was no different. He came out of the kitchen, glanced at me and then told me to get out. I stared horrified at him. The weather outside was freezing and I had just taken a shower. "But why Yuki?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Because I said so!" He growled, "Now get out brat."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I tried to cover my tears, I tried to stay strong, but that's not in me. That's why I'm the uke in this 'relationship', if that's what you can call it. I turned away from him and slowly walked towards the door, tears already running down my face and sobs already caught in my throat. I knew he was watching me, I don't even know why, but I ignored him and slowly closed the door behind me. I went to collect my duffle bag from the side of the building when another car pulled into the driveway and a woman stepped out. I recognized her immediately as the blonde from earlier and I could see why Yuki chose her. She was beautiful with her dark blonde hair and piercing blue eyes and dressed in complete black, she looked absolutely stunning. I watched as she walked up to Yuki's apartment and saw him pull her inside and slam the door. I bit my lip until it bled to keep from screaming, but I didn't stay to hear her cry out in ecstasy and beg for more when Yuki fucked her. It was too much for me and I couldn't stay, but I didn't know where to go so I ran. I ran and ran and when I came back to my senses I was in the park that Yuki and I had first met in.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I curled up on a bench and sobbed. I couldn't understand what I had done wrong. What had I done to make Yuki need lovers? What had I done to make him so angry at me that he needed to throw me out almost every night and find others to please him? He never even touched me anymore unless it was to throw me out or hit me and he always watched me with such cold eyes that I trembled beneath them.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The wind brushed by me and I shivered from cold, but I didn't move. I cried all night and refused to move even when people stared at me. I thought over the past two years of my life with Yuki and searched every aspect of my life wondering where I was at fault. Yuki was always cold towards me, but <em>never</em> had he been hateful towards me. I had thought under his cold exterior, Yuki loved me, even if only a little, he still loved me. But today had proved me wrong. He had another lover, who knew how many others he had, and I was no longer one of them. When I had first met him he told me he had lovers, but that I ranked first in all of them. After a year with me, he had told me he stopped seeing other people and that I was his only one now. That was the closest he ever came to telling me he loved me and it was enough for me, as long as there was a hope that he loved me, I could get through anything…with the help of pain…</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A distant laugh flooded my ears, a laugh I had once known and yet hadn't heard in over two months. I cringed at that laugh and refused to look up, I didn't want to see the face I knew would be there and I didn't want to hear the voice that I knew fit that laugh. Yet blonde hair, smooth skin and amber eyes appeared before my closed eyes and I couldn't block it out, no matter how much I wished for him to disappear.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Footsteps neared and suddenly stopped, but I still refused to look up even though I knew who stared at me. I must have looked terrible, my pink hair blown about, my skin cold and pale and my face, still hidden in my arms and knees, red and still wet from tears. "Yuki…what is it?" A cheerful voice asked. A woman's voice. Another lover. I cried more at that. How many lovers did he have? Wasn't I enough for him? He had told me that once and yet he had lied.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Sh-Shuichi?" He asked, his voice shaking.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I looked up at him, unable to turn away and immediately regretted it. He had one arm around her waist and the other was busy pulling away his sunglasses while the woman molded to his side and walked with her fingers interlaced with his. "Go away." I whispered, burying my face in my hands again. It was the same damn woman that I had seen him with now three times in less than twenty four hours. Hell! I was lucky if I saw him once every three days and seeing her here so early confirmed that she had spent the night with Yuki.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Why aren't you at work?" Yuki asked.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Feeling too spiteful to care, I retorted. "Why do you care?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Shuichi…" He reached out and touched my arm, gasping at how cold I was. "Why are you sitting out here?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I pulled myself into an even tighter ball. "Because I don't have anywhere to go."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"What about Hiro's? I was certain you'd go there!"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I almost laughed. He sounded concerned about me. If he was so concerned about me then he shouldn't have ignored me for so long, he shouldn't have thrown me out almost every night and he shouldn't have cheated on me. But he didn't care. Because if he cared he would've seen what he had driven me to and he didn't. "You told me never to go there again."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Sakura…do you mind if I take my…friend home? He's sick and can't care for himself." I heard Yuki say. I wasn't even his lover anymore.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I jumped up and hit him. "I said 'go away' Yuki! You say it enough to me, you should understand it. Don't act like you care about me when you obviously don't!" I screamed at him and then ran away again. I ran away in fear. Never had I hit him before or even yelled at him, but I was in such a state of utter confusion and pain that I wasn't even thinking straight. I knew I'd regret it, but not once did I ever wish of being able to change what I did. He deserved it and I knew that, but I still couldn't leave him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And regret it I did. I had to come home at some point and when I did, he beat me so bad that I almost couldn't stand. He was drunk and out of his mind with anger, yelling at me for talking back to him and other incoherent things. Yet I didn't fight back. I wished for his touch so much that even the hits and the slaps and the kicks were soothing to my mind. He was touching me again and even if it was in anger, it was still his touch. But that couldn't help my pain. It couldn't help my need for him and so I turned to cutting myself once more.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The next day, when he saw me bloody and bruised, I told him I met with some gang members and that they had beaten me, I couldn't tell him the truth. He made a move to touch my face, but I stumbled away from him and quickly apologized before locking myself in the bathroom. I told him I didn't want him to see me like this and I really didn't need any help with the cuts, that I could do it myself, but truth be told, I didn't want him touching me at the moment. It was beginning to drive me crazy. Half of me wanted him to just touch me, be it in anger or love, and the other half of me wanted to run from him and never look back because he continued to hurt me. He stood by the door, telling me there was nothing going on with the blonde woman, that it was just some novel-fan thing his editor set up. I snorted, but said quietly it was fine and listened to him walk away. I couldn't decide what to do and after cleaning off in the shower, I picked up the razor again, savoring the stinging pain and wave of euphoria that came next. I swore that this would be the last time I cut myself, that after this time, I would be strong enough to stay away from the temptation and I was determined to do that.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Yet two weeks later, I took out the razor again and relished the pain bearing pleasure and the burning sensation of metal on flesh. The first time I had cut myself it was only four small cuts and this time in was two, but it got worse. Oh, it got so much worse.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>First it was once a week, after a month it became two or three times a week, but it soon turned into five or six times and then every day—sometimes twice a day, depending on how badly my day went. My first onset of major depression set in soon after I saw Yuki and that woman together at an expensive restaurant and I began starving myself in hope that maybe then Yuki would notice me if I was thinner. I would watch him eat when he allowed me to stay and refuse to touch my food, but though he looked at me curiously, he never said anything.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>After a week of starvation, I had passed out for the first time in many times during work. Our third hit, "Edge" had just made number one and the band decided to celebrate. I blamed it on the excitement and forgetting to eat breakfast, but I knew the truth and I suspected Hiro did also. So, I took up eating lunch and only when I was at work. If I had the day off, I refused to eat anything and just drank water since Yuki no longer bought me soda.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The door opened and a scuffle of feet alerted me to his presence. "Hi Yuki!" I said as enthusiastically as I could muster, which wasn't much. He glanced sideways at me and grunted a hello before turning to his study to work on his book. I didn't move from my seat on the couch where I watched the TV without really comprehending anything. I was huddled under a blanket where I held my bloody arms, shaking. One light was on in the whole house and it just added to my inner depressed mood though I tried to shine outwardly. For the past week, I had been yelled at, beaten and threatened by Yuki and my band members for numerous reasons. Today Tomha had yelled at me about losing my temper and had me at the verge of tears before I was dismissed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I immediately dashed 'home', how ironic there—the one place I call home isn't even my home. But I immediately grabbed the closest razor and cut into my skin, just watching as the thin line of blood appeared and then welled outside the wound and down my arm. I loved watching my life essence rush out of me, it made me feel exhilarated and so alive to know I could feel something other than the cold numb feeling growing inside me.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I dropped the razor into the sink and rushed into his room to gather my belongings and once again packed my duffle bag with clothes and possessions before sitting down on his bed and crying. This was the twelfth time this month I had packed my things and tried to leave him, but I couldn't. I just could not do it. The farthest I had ever gotten was the door before collapsing and crying out my grief, my pain, my love, my fear, my emptiness and yet Yuki never knew. I slowly returned my clothes and possessions back to their original places, nothing out of place, and then returned to the bathroom and cut my arms again, deeper this time and closer to my veins.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I had panicked when I heard Yuki's angry steps coming closer and quickly hid the razor and gathered myself under a blanket on the couch. Yuki never noticed anything and I had long given up trying to converse with him, he was too wrapped up with his lovers and his work, his only true love, to even notice something was wrong with me. Once I was certain he was gone, I pulled back the blanket and stared at the blood I had rubbed into it, cursing myself for my foolishness. I hid the blanket under the sofa and slowly walked towards his study. Things were already spinning around me and I knew I needed to get to the hospital.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I knocked. "Yuki?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"<em>WHAT</em> brat?" He practically yelled.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So much for getting him to take me to the hospital. "I-I…I'm going out for a little bit…"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Good, you're giving me a headache anyways." He muttered, but I heard the hesitance in his voice. So he suspected something was wrong, but refused to ask about it, I don't know which was worse, that he didn't notice or didn't care to ask.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Sorry." I whispered, tears already falling and quickly tried to leave.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Somehow I made it to the hospital and showed the ER nurse my arms. I made up some lame excuse about being angry and breaking a mirror and it cutting me, but I had already been there too many times for my regular clumsiness and the ER nurse knew me. She wrapped my cut arms, pity evident in her eyes, but also anger at whoever was causing me to resort to this. She handed me a pamphlet for help and I thanked her, but threw it in the trash once I left, there was no helping me. After a couple hours, I returned back to Yuki's apartment, already morning, and collapsed onto the couch. Yuki never even knew I was gone.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Three months had passed since everything had started and still Yuki noticed nothing. I had visited the hospital only twice—to anyone's knowledge—and refused the doctor let anyone know of my health, Yuki only came to visit me once. In reality, I was in the hospital at least once a week when my cuts wouldn't stop bleeding or got infected or whenever I passed out in the park or street. I blamed my dizzy spells on dehydration, lack of sleep, food or whatever else came to mind. I spoke to Yuki less and less and soon didn't speak to him at all except for a quiet hello when he walked in the door. I ignored the different perfumes on his clothes and refused to sleep in his bed even when he offered coldly. I would sometimes not sleep at night and cry, but I knew he didn't hear me.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>No one said anything to me at work, not even Tomha who always had something to say when it involved Yuki. Everyone knew about the most popular couple in Japan, they were good looking, had their own careers (I found out she was an actress) and they were all over the news. There wasn't a place I could go where they weren't being shown together and even the Music Channel had something to say about them.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hiro often watched me, invited me to his house, but I knew I couldn't do that. I told him Yuki and I weren't together anymore and hadn't been for two months and said I was living somewhere else. I refused to tell him where, saying I just wanted a place for myself that no one knew about until I was over Yuki's betrayal. I knew I couldn't leave Yuki; he made certain that night after I returned home from Hiro's house, but I couldn't tell anyone that. I was afraid of what he would do if I left, I couldn’t care less what he did to me, but if he hurt Hiro or my family…I know how his temper gets when he's drunk and I know how irrational he becomes and I couldn't take that chance.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So always lying to my closest friends, I returned 'home' to my abusive ex-lover and cutting. I had taken to wearing long sleeved shirts and pants, refusing to wear shorts and t-shirts like I used to. My cutting had become too deep and often scarred now and though everyone didn't like my new quiet attitude and modest dress, they thought nothing more of it than a passing depression.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>Present</strong>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>All the lights are turned off and I'm crying silently in the corner, rocking back and forth as blood stains my clothes. I had cut too deep and though I tried, I couldn't stop the bleeding. I couldn't even get up anymore, I had tried, but I didn't have the energy… or maybe the will to get up again. The bathroom was already a mess of blood, water and bandages and when I couldn't stop the bleeding; I fled to the living room where I now huddled against the couch. Today had been the worst day since I met Yuki and the image of him and that woman was burned into my mind.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Walking home from NG Records and thinking about our latest hit, "Dying Inside", I had passed an abandoned alleyway when I suddenly stopped. I passed it every day and never thought another thing of it, but today was different. Today there were two people having sex against the wall, two people that I had seen far too often. Two blondes that were seen everywhere—on the news, in the streets and in <em>his</em> house. They had become the newest hot couple and every time I heard about them, or was asked about them, it sent another knife into my heart. Yuki Eiri and Mohano Sakura, the same blonde that had come to his apartment that night, the same blonde that was in the park the next day and the same blonde Yuki had pressed against the wall while he thrust in and out of her. Her dressed was hiked up to her breasts and her legs wrapped around his waist as he pushed against her, kissing her neck and his hands trailing up her sides and breasts.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was bad enough <em>knowing </em>about their relationship, I didn't need to see it was well. I turned away and knew nothing was left. I was an empty shell of what I once was, too many cuts and bruises to hide everything inside of me and I crumbled. I walked home slowly, my arms wrapped tightly around my body—the only touch I ever received anymore—and tears running down my face and chin as I stumbled down the road. I passed everyone who spoke to me and when I reached <em>his</em> apartment, I immediately went to the bathroom.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Taking the razor, I slashed my arm and not even seconds later I had done it again. But the pain wouldn't leave this time and so I tried again. Already there were thirteen cuts on each arm and with each cut, I applied more pressure, trying to forget the pain Yuki had inflicted. I pressed the razor against the inside of my elbow and shallowly cut, bringing it down towards my wrist, watching as I began to apply more pressure until I was cutting too deep, but I still didn't stop. I repeated the same cut on my other arm, watching again as my shallow cut deepened until the metal reached my major veins.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When I saw what I had done, I dropped the razor in shock and tried to stop the immense bleeding welling from each cut, but there were too many and the last two were too deep and I couldn't stop it. Soon, towels lay scattered across the bathroom, streaks of vivid red blood across them. I tried washing the blood off my arms, but all that did was cause even more blood to drip to the floor. In fear, I fled the bathroom and fell beside the couch, pulling my arms close to my bare chest. "Yuki…" I choked out.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I don't know how long I've sat here—minutes, maybe seconds—before Yuki came home, but I watched him come in from my vantage point. I saw him flick on the lights and frown when I didn't call out his name in greeting. I watched as he took a hesitant step inside and scan the room for me, but he couldn't see me. "Shu?" He called, his brow knitted in confusion and his frown becoming more worrisome as he began chewing on his lip. "Shuichi? Shuichi, where are you?" I watched as he ran to his room, throwing the door open and then retreat to the bathroom. I heard him gasp at the bloody mess I had left behind and saw him appear, his face contorted with something, some unknown emotion. I knew then I was in trouble. He had seen, he had seen what I had done and would be angry at me and he'd leave me forever now. "Shuichi!" He yelled, his eyes frantically searching for me as he ran to the living room once more. "God, Shu, where are you? Please, tell me where you are!"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I wanted to stay silent, but my lips betrayed me and a weak, "Yu…ki…" escaped them. I saw him stop and whirl around towards me. The audible gasp when he found me made me flinch and then he was falling to his knees beside me, fear obvious on his face. He reached a hand towards me and I cringed, a whimper escaping my lips. Yet his fingers didn't hit me or even slap me, instead they caressed my cheek and brushed over my eyes. I looked up at him and watched as he carefully took my hand and pulled it away from my chest. He gasped at the numerous cuts and looked almost hurt by what I had done.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Shu…what have you done?" He whispered, gently touching my arm.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I snorted, what have <em>I</em> done? Oh Yuki, you mean what have <em>you</em> done. All this was because of you, because you ignored me, because you beat me, because you threw me out and because you cheated on me. How was I supposed to live with that knowledge? And yet I couldn't leave you, I couldn't live without you because I love you…so what else could I do?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Oh God. I must have said that out loud because he looked so shocked and tears began to well up in his eyes. Why was he crying? Why would he cry? He couldn't be crying for me, I was nothing to him, just a good fuck and not even that anymore. "Shu, no, Shu I'm so sorry. I-I never meant…fuck." He whispered and then scooped me up. "I'm taking you to the hospital." I wanted to protest, I just wanted to die, why couldn't he see that? Death was so much more welcoming than the pain he was putting me through, but he wasn't listening as usual.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He even wrapped me in a blanket before putting me in his car. I hadn't noticed how cold I was until he had done that, but I was cold. I was so cold, inside and out and for so long that it no longer seemed unnatural. He sped towards the hospital and even allowed me to rest my head on his shoulder when I couldn't keep it up any longer, but he refused to let me sleep, telling me I had to hang on. What was there for me to hang onto? Yuki cheated on me, fucked some woman, drove me to accidental suicide and he still wants me to live. Why? So I can see him rip me apart, so he can watch as I die inside and break?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When we arrived at the hospital, he carefully picked me up out of the seat and rushed me in. I heard him yelling something to the doctors and nurses, but I never made out what he said because everything was fading. I guess I had lost too much blood lately. I was cutting myself too much and there wasn't enough time for my blood to multiply to its regular six quarts. By the time I was laid on a stretcher, I was already unconscious and on my way to sweet death with open arms.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Dhampir <br/>Page 15 <br/>1/19/2005</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter Two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong>Disclaimer: </strong>I do not own <em>Gravitation</em> nor the characters.</p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <strong>Cutting Through It All<br/></strong>
  <em>Chapter Two</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I awoke to two voices and I felt too tired to open my eyes and see who they were. So I just listened, fading in and out as they spoke.</p><p> </p><p>"What the hell happened?" The first voice asked, a man's voice, obviously angry.</p><p> </p><p>"He's been inflicting pain upon himself." Another voice said and I immediately recognized Yuki's mellow voice.</p><p> </p><p>"<em>Why?</em>"</p><p> </p><p>"B-because of me…Because of me Hiro."</p><p> </p><p>"What do you mean because…" The voices faded once more and I was lost in black oblivion where nothing mattered and time was not a factor. I could just float about, thinking of nothing, feeling nothing, hearing nothing and seeing nothing, but something always pulled me back from that abyss.</p><p> </p><p>"Shuichi, you have to wake up, please." Someone whispered. "<em>Please</em>, I need you so much."</p><p> </p><p>I almost laughed, no one needed me. Not even my <em>only</em> lover needed me and yet here was someone whispering that to me. I didn't want to be in pain anymore, I didn't want to be betrayed and hated anymore. I dove into oblivion once more and forgot everything. Yet I couldn't…even when I had no thoughts, no memories something kept nagging at me, telling me I <em>had</em> to return and so I did.</p><p> </p><p>"…cheating on him?" A soft voice asked. I rummaged through my thoughts until I placed the voice. Hiro, my best friend. "I guess he had to know didn't he, since you two were all over the news."</p><p> </p><p>"Yes. It wasn't supposed to get that far…but yes, I did end up cheating on him and I'm certain he knew. It happened the same day I found him bleeding in the living room." Another voice said, softer than Hiro's and it took me almost a full three minutes to figure out who was speaking. When it hit me that the voice was Yuki's I stopped breathing—that is, I stopped breathing until the mask over my face forced air into my body.</p><p> </p><p>"What the hell does that mean?" Hiro yelled.</p><p> </p><p>Someone took my hand, I couldn't tell if it was Yuki or Hiro, but I found myself wishing it was Yuki…even after everything that he had done to me, I still ached for him. I would've laughed if I could, I was pathetic. I was like an abused dog, no matter how many times I was beaten and mistreated; I always came back to my owner like a good dog should.</p><p> </p><p>"Please…I want to tell Shuichi everything first Hiro, I want him to hear it first." Yuki whispered.</p><p> </p><p>"And what if he <em>can't</em> Yuki? The doctors already said he most likely…won't make it. H-he's lost too much blood they said. Did you know he has been here at least once a week, if not more? He's starved himself for over a month Yuki! How could you not notice that and these cuts on his arm...don't tell me you didn't see them?" Hiro pushed.</p><p> </p><p>The hand tightened around my own. "No, I didn't see them and I didn't know he had been starving himself. I didn't know because I haven't been around to see it. I've been so wrapped up in my own life and my novels that I didn't even notice what was happening to him." Yuki said and I wondered who he was angry at. Probably me. "God I'm so blind! I thought it was strange he never ate in front of me, but I thought it was just that—he wasn't eating in front of <em>me</em>. And all the band aids under the sink and gauze and his new attire made me curious…but I never thought…"</p><p> </p><p>"Don't you mean you were so wrapped up in your lovers Yuki?" I heard Hiro sneer.</p><p> </p><p>"They aren't my lovers." He growled, "Never call them that. I don't have a lover Hiro, only a boyfriend…and maybe not even for much longer." His voice broke at the end, but I couldn't understand why. What did he mean he didn't have a lover? Wasn't I a lover? Wasn't <em>she</em> a lover? But he said he had a boyfriend…did he mean me? But if he meant me, then why for not much longer? He knows I'd follow him anywhere if he'd but let me…so then what did he mean?</p><p> </p><p>"I'll…leave you alone Yuki. I think you need this time with Shu more than anyone." I heard his footsteps as he passed my bed and walked towards the door, but he paused and spoke again. "Yuki…I'll only tell you this once. Shuichi loves you, a love right now I don't believe you deserve, but if anyone can bring him back, it's you. He only ever listened to you."</p><p> </p><p>"Hiro..." Yuki whispered. Then the door closed and I heard the screech of a chair as Yuki moved closer. Deft fingertips brushed the hair from my face and caressed my cheek before moving down my arm and interlacing our fingers. "Shuichi, you have to wake up now. You have to stay here. Everyone misses you, Hiro was just here and so were K and Tomha. There have been so many people that I can't even remember them all, but Shu, I miss you more than anything. The apartment's too quiet, it's been too quiet for months now, I wish I had noticed that sooner and there's nothing I can do about that now…but Shu, I need you in my life. Please, you have to wake up now even if it's to curse me to hell and leave me where I stand. I'd rather you be awake and with someone else who could make you happy than here with me like this. You deserve someone else," his voice cracked again but he continued, "someone who will know how to make you smile and laugh and someone who will care for you and always keep you happy."</p><p> </p><p>"But you make me happy." I whispered, opening my eyes. I had to blink a couple times before I could see clearly, but when I could, I found myself gazing into golden eyes full of tears. "Yuki?" Why was he crying? Why was he here? Wouldn't he be happier with Sakura? Was this more guilt? I tried to speak again, but the mask was forcing more air into my mouth and I weakly pulled it off.</p><p> </p><p>"Shu…Shu you're really here." He reached a trembling hand towards me and touched me as if I was going to disappear before his eyes. "Shuichi. Shu. Shu." He kept repeating my name as he held my hand and traced my face.</p><p> </p><p>"Yuki, why are you crying? Did…Did I upset you?" I asked. Ugh, my voice was so scratchy and dry that I almost didn't recognize it as my own, I couldn't sing like this!</p><p> </p><p>"Oh God no. No, I'm just so happy to have you back." He suddenly moved towards me and wrapped me in his arms, pulling me up to his chest. With one leg hanging off the bed and the other bent under him, he had given me the perfect seat to sit in. "I thought I had lost you Shu, the doctors said you'd never wake up and told me to say goodbye…but I can't. I can't say goodbye to you because I'm selfish like that a-and if I do…then I'll say have to goodbye to me as well." He kissed my neck.</p><p> </p><p>"Why are you being like this?" I asked. "For months you've hated me, why are you being so nice?"</p><p> </p><p>His hands tightened around me, "Shu, I don't hate you, God, I love you." He said, burying his face into my neck, "I-I've done some really stupid things and it cost me too much. I know you must hate me by now, but please, just give me the chance to tell you everything and then I'll leave you forever." He begged. That caught me off guard, he never begged, he never spoke with such uncertainty and he never told me he loved me. It just seemed too good to be true!</p><p> </p><p>And it was too good to be true. I stiffened at his words as I finally comprehended what he said, <em>he's leaving me? But why? What did I do?</em> I couldn't think straight and so I just nodded and watched him as he slowly moved until he was before me at the edge of the bed.</p><p> </p><p>"I…I cheated on you and I-I guess you knew. I didn't mean to though…God, I'm an idiot!" He ran his hand through his fingers nervously and then took a breath. "I guess I'll start back to when this first began…I know I've never been kind to you and I know I haven't been the best lover, but I just took advantage of the fact that you knew I loved you by the way I acted. This all started because of a stupid interview I had to do…the host asked me about my love life. She said that I was getting in my years," he chuckled, "I'm twenty four and I'm in my years…but she asked if I had anyone and I told her I did, but nothing more. Shu, I didn't want to get you caught up in it a-and I think a part of me was ashamed of our relationship…" He looked down as he said those words and I felt my heart break. He was ashamed of me, because I wasn't a woman. I wanted to cry and I think I had begun to… or maybe I already had been, but when he looked up, he reached over and wiped away my tears. "Please don't cry Shu…please don't, I can't stand to see you cry."</p><p> </p><p>"Go on." I whispered, focusing on the wall before me instead of him, yet I still saw every move he made.</p><p> </p><p>He glanced away, "Sakura and I used to be lovers years back before I met you and so I called her up when the reporters and photographers started following me. I refused to tell them about you and so I asked Sakura if she were willing to pose as my girlfriend until the public was satisfied. She agreed and we began meeting and going out late to popular places where I was certain we'd be seen…God, I was so wrapped up in my novel and protecting you that I didn't even tell you." He laughed again, "I thought I was protecting you and instead I was destroying you.</p><p> </p><p>"Sakura didn't even know about you, I didn't want her to tell the press about us and so I started throwing you out when she was supposed to come over or just leaving you for days when we went on trips. I just assumed you'd be okay with it all that I never gave it a second thought. Every day was the same, my mind was either on my new novel or on where Sakura and I are going to make our appearance, and I became colder towards you…When you got sick that night, I felt so guilty for throwing you out and only because Sakura and I had to kiss for the cameras and I had a deadline coming up, but when you got better, I just went about as if nothing ever happened to you. I've thrown you out so many times that I took it for granted that you'd always be there no matter what I did or how I acted." He reached over and let his fingers graze my lips, "I haven't even touched you like this in over four months…"</p><p> </p><p>"If…" I paused, trying to collect myself before I broke again, "If you love me so much then why did you fuck her in the alley?" My voice sounded colder than I meant it to, but deep down I wanted to see him hurt as he hurt me.</p><p> </p><p>Yuki paled and dropped his hand from my lips, "Y-you saw that?"</p><p> </p><p>"Yes Yuki, I saw that. I saw her pressed against the wall with you fucking her into it." I snapped.</p><p> </p><p>And he flinched. "That wasn't supposed to happen." He whispered. "It was never meant to go that far Shu, please believe me. That was the first time and the only time. We were walking to a café around the corner when she suddenly kissed me and I immediately responded to her. It had been a long time since I had sex and I admit that I am attracted to her. I mean she's beautiful, young, willing and very arousing, so I just went with it. No one was supposed to ever know about that Shu, I never meant for you or anyone else to see that."</p><p> </p><p>I pulled my hand out of his grip, "Then you're telling me all these months you've just been with her for show and you <em>forgot</em> to tell me? I guess I was just a good fuck every now and then, wasn't I Yuki?"</p><p> </p><p>He bowed his head, trying to hide his tears, but I saw them and I wanted to hold him then, I wanted to stop his tears, but I couldn't, I refused. "I know I hurt you bad, Shuichi, and I can't ever ask for you to forgive me because it's not possible to forgive the wrong I did, but I just wanted you to know everything. My intentions in the beginning were not my intentions in the end. It never crossed my mind that you'd never be there Shu, I just took that as part of my life. You became a constant in my life, someone who I thought would never leave and so I took you for granted. You were always there and when I found you bleeding in the apartment that night, for the first time in my life, I thought I would lose you." He stood up slowly and leaned over me. "I told you once my story was finished I'd leave you alone forever, but I want you to know that I'll always love you." He then bent down and brushed his lips against mine in a gentle kiss. I responded to his touch as if it was my life force and hungered for more, but Yuki had already left my room.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Seconds later I found myself surrounded by friends, family and doctors, all questioning my health and sanity and if not for K with his gun, I probably would've lost my sanity. The first quiet moments I received were after everyone except Hiro left for the night. I was informed that I had been in a coma for three weeks and that they didn't think I'd ever awaken. They had already convinced my family and friends to think about it, but it was Yuki who refused, even with K's gun pointed at him.</p><p> </p><p>I laughed when Hiro said Yuki is the only reason I'm alive. He stared at me as if I was insane and at the moment I most likely was. The one I loved, the one I wanted and the one who 'saved' me was the one who killed me and now left me. I shook him head and laughed again, almost insanely.</p><p> </p><p>"Shuichi…?" Hiro asked quietly, probably afraid I'd snap any second.</p><p> </p><p>I smiled at him and laughed again, "Yuki never saved me Hiro, can't you see it? I'm already dead."</p><p> </p><p>His brow furrowed, "What are you talking about?"</p><p> </p><p>"I. Am. Dead." I repeated slower. I sighed and looked up at the ceiling, my fingers deftly grazing over my bandaged arms. "Yuki killed me months ago Hiro, many months ago…"</p><p> </p><p>"That's not true!" He suddenly yelled, jumping up from his seat, but I just stared at him blankly. "Just because that bastard left you doesn't mean you're dead!"</p><p> </p><p>"He did leave me, didn't he? I think that was the last thread Hiro," I answered, my voice dropping to a whisper. "I never meant to commit suicide, just…relieve my pain and bear with it. I love Yuki, no matter what he did to me or how he treated me, and even now I still love him."</p><p> </p><p>"<em>Why?</em> Why Shu?" He pressed, trying to understand. "It makes no sense! He treats you like shit and then he goes and cheats on you! Why don't you hate him?"</p><p> </p><p>"They say 'love is blind' Hiro, but they're wrong. Love is pain, love is the cut of a razor: It's sweet and total ecstasy, it's relieving, releasing and it makes you feel alive, but it's also painful, burning, tiring and it slowly kills you."</p><p> </p><p>The redhead collapsed into his chair as I continued to stare at him with dead eyes. It was true, when Yuki walked out that door, so did my life and now I felt entirely empty, cold, and dead. The need to cut again had never been so strong before and I searched for anything sharp to release all the pain I felt, the anger and the despair welling within me, but the doctors were thorough to remove all such objects. "What has changed you into this?" Hiro asked quietly, "You were once so full of hope and cheer, but not anymore…"</p><p> </p><p>"I am what Yuki made me, Hiro." I gave him that smile again, the one that showed I was about to break.</p><p> </p><p>"Why did you lie to me Shuichi? You told me you broke up with him months ago and were living on your own! Damn it! Why didn't you tell me?"</p><p> </p><p>"'You belong to me Shuichi, don't forget that.'" I said cheerfully, "Yuki told me that the night I came back from your house. He told me to never go there again and I did as he told me. That was the first time he truly beat me…"</p><p> </p><p>"I thought he did." Hiro muttered.</p><p> </p><p>"Of course he did! I was bad, what else would he do with his toy? I must be taught my place and do as I am told."</p><p> </p><p>"This is ridiculous."</p><p> </p><p>"Why Hiro?" I asked, tilting my head, "It's not like you cared enough to tell me about Yuki's betrayal. No one said a single word about it until I lied and said we broke up." My voice was beginning to harden with anger. "No one even thought to see why I refused to eat, why I dressed in turtle necks and jeans and no one even questioned all those times I fainted!"</p><p> </p><p>"That is not fair Shuichi and you know it. I've been there for you all this time and even before we became a known band. You can't tell me I don't care!"</p><p> </p><p>I sighed, "It doesn't matter, I just want to be left alone…please Hiro." I know I was being unfair, but at least if he broke his friendship with me then he wouldn't be there to watch me die. And die I would unless Yuki saved me once more from my fate though I doubted that would ever happen. No matter what he said, I didn't believe him. He came home every fucking day and conveniently forgot to mention he was 'dating' some early lover while he beat me senseless and threw me out of the house.</p><p> </p><p>Hiro growled in frustration and stormed away, leaving me alone in the dim room to think and forget. Now that no one was there to watch, I finally began to cry, I could feel the tears welling up in the corners of my eyes. I wanted to believe my blonde lover so much, I wanted him back and I wanted it back to how it was before Sakura came. I wanted the man who gave me those soft smiles and gentle kisses in the morning, I wanted the man who spent quiet moments with me, just watching me, I wanted the man who took me on walks and petted my hair with feather soft fingers as he smiled at me. I wanted the man who called me names and insulted me, but with amusement and affection, I wanted the man I saw behind Yuki: Ice King and Royal Bastard, and I wanted to be loved by that man as I had once thought. But that Yuki is gone, that Yuki never was and I cried.</p><p> </p><p>I had given everything to him, I even read every book he wrote without his knowledge, and yet he had given me nothing. No, Yuki never gave without expecting something in return, usually sex. Yet I had held the hope that maybe, just maybe, he held love for me as I did for him, but that was just another delusion I created so I wouldn't have to see the truth.</p><p> </p><p>"Yuki said he loves me." I whispered to the room. "He finally said he loves me." I began laughing again, my hands shaking as if I was an alcoholic on withdraw. Every laugh followed by a sob and a sniffle and I was soon laughing and crying at the same time. It was absurd! Four months of torture, pain, anger, starvation and self mutilation without a single word, a single smile, a single compliment or thought and suddenly just before I received what I desired, Yuki pulls me back from the brink of death and tells me he loves me. The words I had waited to hear for so many years and now…now they meant nothing to me because Yuki left me—again—and I was no longer alive.</p><p> </p><p>So what? I breathed, I cried, I laughed, I ate and I pissed, but just because I may look alive on the outside, within my mind there was nothing. All I could see was golden amber eyes, soft blonde hair, perfect skin, pale red lips kissing me, sleek red tongue sliding next to mine, deft feather light touches traveling down my body by his skilled fingers, hard laborious breaths on my neck and lips, tight smooth chest rubbing against mine, tone hips and calves straddling mine, white perfect teeth biting, sucking, nipping at my skin and a soft voice losing control with small grunts, soft words, moans and gasps.</p><p> </p><p>I can't survive without his touch, my mind cannot comprehend a life without Yuki in it and I finally collapsed, bringing my knees up to my chins, my face buried in my hands as loud, long sobs wracked my body. I <em>loved</em> him, a life without him was a worse fate than death—I knew. I think a nurse came in because someone began shouting at me, telling me something but I couldn't understand. They're voices were so distant, so soft that I could barely hear them, all I could hear was Yuki's voice telling me he was leaving me and he loved me. Someone grabbed my hands and feet as I continued to cry, but I didn't fight them, I let them do as they wished with me. I couldn't breathe any longer, the crying left me gasping for air and hyperventilating and I vaguely felt the burning sensation running through my veins. The doctor injected something into my IV and I slowly began to stop crying and sleep suddenly came to me, calling me and beckoning me to lose myself within him—Yuki. I knew in sleeping and waking I would never escape from Yuki now and so I dove into sleep where at least I could pretend Yuki really did love me.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>I awoke alone again, I knew I would. I had chased Hiro away, everyone else went away and Yuki left me…after that, there was no one who cared enough to stay with me. I stared down at my bandaged arms and traced the scars I knew were there carefully. I had gotten so close, so close! If Yuki had come any later, just a single minute, then I'd really be dead and free from all the pain and betrayal before me, but no, I hadn't suffered enough yet. Not even close to enough. Maybe this was my punishment for all the horrible things I had done in my life, maybe I should've just left Yuki alone and never complain about how he ignores me and such, maybe then everything would've been better.</p><p> </p><p>But I know that's not true. The reason I was still alive was because Yuki was selfish, he said so himself. He wanted me there to warm his bed and fuck senseless when he was in the mood and then throw to the curb so he could still enjoy not being tied down by a relationship. Yup, that's what I was, I accepted it four months ago that I was only his little boy toy, his fuck toy, his fucking doll that did whatever he said and just continued to smile and love him endlessly.</p><p> </p><p>A shuddering sob caught in my throat and I wrapped my arms around me, careful of the IV and sensors. "Yuki." I cried brokenly and tried to silent my sobs before a nurse heard me and called the doctors. I turned to look out the window at the snow. This had all began in August and it was now January, snow covered the ground and swirled around the deserted streets. Dead, outside everything was dead, just like me. Beautiful to look at but dead behind the mask.</p><p> </p><p>Standing slowly, I ripped out the IV and sensors, relishing in the welcoming pain I received from the IV, and walked towards the window. The machines behind me began beeping and screeching, but I ignored that as I stumbled towards the window. Opening it, I looked once more behind me as I heard the nurses and doctors running towards my room before sleeping out into the cool winter air. My feet stung at the cold snow and ice underneath of me, but I ignored it and began walking away from the hospital, hearing the collected gasps and calls from my room. The wind blew against me and I let it caress my skin with its icy breath, closing my eyes and breathing deep of cool crisp air. The snow collected around me and I watched as it melted on my skin as I continued to walk away.</p><p> </p><p>Not knowing where I was going or anything around me, I stumbled along, my feet and legs along with the rest of my body long gone numb. Some people stared at me from their houses and someone even called to me, begging me to come in and get out of the snow before I froze to death. I just stared at the man and smiled, "I'm already dead and I'm already frozen." Then I continued on my way, the man just staring after me in shock. Snow and wind enveloped me, singing me a deadly lullaby and asking me to follow and let them take me and so I did. I danced in the snow and laughed as I spun around and let Death slowly take my body—my soul was already his.</p><p> </p><p>I don't know how long I stood in the snow, but I ended up in the park Yuki and I had met and immediately my entire being sobered, though not for long. I smiled at the place I had first met Yuki and then walked passed it without at glance. I turned around and gave out an insane laugh, twirling around with my arms spread wide, my face staring up at the snow filled sky. I just laughed and laughed until I fell to the ground and lay there panting. My eyes closed and I could feel my body grow tired and my eye lids grow heavy. My heart slowed and my limbs became limp. Yet I was still smiling, at least Death loved me, he wanted me and kept coming for me. I wanted to be loved so badly…A small tear trailed down my cheek leaving a frozen trail on my cheek as I thought of Yuki one last time. I wanted to see him again, tell him I love him, tell him just how much I needed him and to please save me from Death.</p><p> </p><p>I wanted Death, I wanted Yuki, I wanted love, I wanted pain…nothing made sense any longer. I wanted Death to save me from Yuki and I wanted Yuki to save me from Death, I wanted love to stop the pain, but I needed pain to continue to love.</p><p> </p><p>"Shu?" A clear voice whispered, shocked, and I almost cried again.</p><p> </p><p>"No! Not again!" I wailed and curled into a ball. "No! No! No! No!"</p><p> </p><p>I heard Yuki's soft steps in the snow come towards me until he stood over me. "What are you doing out here?" He asked harshly, "You're supposed to be in the hospital recovering!"</p><p> </p><p>"Don't do this to me again." I begged, "Not again, please!"</p><p> </p><p>His arms snaking around my frozen body burned me and I cried out as his clothes chaffed my dry, cold skin. "Shuichi, why are you sitting in the snow?" His voice was urgent now that he knew how cold I was, it would be no surprise if I had frostbite now.</p><p> </p><p>I tried to struggle out of his arms and break free, but I still hadn't recovered from being in a coma for three weeks and my muscles had begun to atrophy from their lack of use, I didn't have the strength to break his grip on me and I was so cold…so cold. I knew I was shivering, but I didn't know if it was because Yuki was with me again when all I wanted was to push him away and hold him close at the same time or if it was because I felt so cold. "Just leave me alone! Just let me die, please…" I begged, but I had already stopped struggling. My body was too tired to respond, everything was numb until Yuki shifted and then I burned, but either way, I had no strength left to resist his hold. "No one wants me, no one loves me and <em>you</em> don't care." I whispered into his chest, frozen tears streaking my face. My wish came true, Yuki saved me from Death and yet…I wasn't happy because it meant now I had to live another day of pain.</p><p> </p><p>Yuki tightened his grip around my frail form, but didn't say anything as he began walking back towards his house. Every step he took burned my skin and I whimpered in pain as the day finally took its toll upon me. I finally relaxed into his body and closed my eyes, listening to his breathing. At least I got to finally be in his arms again…</p><p> </p><p>The last thing I remember before I fell unconscious was a feather soft kiss on the crown of my head. Death's kiss? I wasn't positive I wanted to know.</p><p> </p><p>Dhampir<br/>Page 8<br/>1/21/05</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter Three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong>Disclaimer: </strong>I don't not own <em>Gravitation</em> nor any of the characters.</p>
<p><strong>Warning from One-Winged Angel:</strong> Before reading you must have at least two tissue boxes and sound proof walls.</p>
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<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>Cutting Through It All<br/></strong>
  <em>Chapter Three</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I had always believed life had been kind to me, or at least brought me sweet bliss. I had a kind family, wonderful friends, a great voice, a soaring singing career, fame, fortune, platinum CD's and of course, Yuki. But now I think life is cruel for all it did was set me up for a harder fall, one it knew I couldn't survive. I had survived so much, being raped by ASK when I had just begun my career, being constantly kicked out by Yuki, having Yuki leave me for New York to end his life, his family—except for Tatsuha—against me and then Yuki's beatings, his harsh words and insults, my own bloody painful marring, my own starvation, his betrayal and now almost freezing to death in the snow. Everything I had once loved I had either chased away or had been taken away from me—all except my career.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Even death had been taken from me for a second time.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I shifted in the soft bed, unmistakably smelling of Yuki: Sweat, sex and spice. My entire body ached with every move I made, making me whimper in pain and for a fleeting moment I wondered if everything I had experienced had been a dream, but opening my eyes I saw my small glimmer of hope shatter. Just looking around the wreckage that had once been Yuki's room was enough to convince me it wasn't just a horrible nightmare. No, not my life, my life was now hell. I had tasted the pleasure and ecstasy of heaven and yet in the span of just five short months, I had fallen from grace like that of Lucifer into the depths of Hell. Drowning in the tormenting darkness that Yuki had inflicted upon me, chained by my self mutilation and starvation, and I was to remain in such a demeaning state until Death claimed me.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Yuki's room resembled nothing of what I remembered. Clothes were scattered across the floor, the lights were so dim I could barely see what was past the bed, and the sheets felt dirty, not just smelled it. The curtains were drawn shut and I could vaguely make out what looked like forgotten food containers lying on the floor. I frowned, Yuki was never like this, he always kept everything orderly and neat.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sliding out of the bed, I stumbled forward a couple steps before finding my balance, and then looked for a light switch, candle, lighter or anything to help me see, but there was nothing. I somehow found my way to the window without tripping and opened it, shielding my sensitive eyes from the light.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I turned around again and gaped at the mess before me. It was worse than I had thought. Overturned furniture, holes in the walls, empty beer bottles, broken decorations and a pile in one corner of dirty clothes, shoes, sheets and whatever else could be in there. I glanced at the door and, stepping over the empty food containers and stains, slowly walked towards it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Gripping the door handle, I hesitated. I didn't want to go out there, I didn't want to see Yuki, I didn't want to pass the bathroom where my blades remained hidden beneath the sink, I didn't want to see the couch I had spent so many nights on, I didn't want to see where I had sat that last night in his apartment, crying and bleeding on the floor. I bit my lip and tightly closed my eyes, willing the tears away as my hand tightened around the handle. I took a slow breath and opened the door to my torture once more.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Stepping out lightly, I scanned the halls for Yuki, but there was no sign of him. I crept passed the bathroom and tried not to glance at it, but my body stopped though my mind begged to continue. I quickly found my blades not missing how all the others were gone, including Yuki's razor. I stared down at the cold metal in my fingers and bit my lip, my eyes closing as tears slowly began falling down my face. I didn't want to do this again, I truly didn't! But I couldn't stop, I was addicted to the pain, the euphoria and the need to know I was still alive. I sniffed, falling slowly to my knees as more tears streaked my face. I didn't even bother to remove the bandages; I pressed the blade harshly down and viscously slashed at my arms, just above my wrist. A startled cry caught in my throat at the first cut, but soon after the pain I needed followed, proving I still breathed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>More tears fell and I dropped my head to my chest, muffling my sobs as I slashed my arm again. I was so weak, I had to depend on a damn blade to continue 'living', I was pitiful! I needed the touch of metal to replace the absence of flesh; I needed to feel alive again even though I doubted anything would ever replace the chill within my soul. I pressed the blade down again and this time moaned at the paper thin cut, watching it as my crimson blood soaked into my bandages turning them red.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Where did you get that blade?" A cool voice asked from the doorway, but I didn't turn to look at Yuki.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I just laughed and watched the blade cut through skin and bandages with ease. "I hid them!" I giggled as tears continued to fall. "Silly Yuki, did you really think I was that stupid?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A firm hand gripped my wrist as I positioned it above my wrist again. "Stop it."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I turned my dead eyes up to his. "Why?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Yuki frowned, I don't think he was expecting to hear that. Oh God…don't look at his eyes, I warned myself, I knew if I did then I'd be taken again, taken in again by the one I loved and the one I hated. Oh yes, I hated him now, I hated him just as much as I loved him because he refused to let me die. Both times he had been the antagonist, the one stopping what I strived for. "Give me the blade Shuichi." He commanded me and I dropped the blade to the floor, wrenching my arm out of his grasp and bringing my knees up to my chin, crying again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I wanted to die damn it! Why couldn't he see that? Why did he continue to torture me by keeping me alive in a world where I wasn't wanted? Why did he continue to come to my aide when he had cast me aside only a day ago? Why did he bring me back to his apartment? Why is he stopping me? Why wouldn't he just leave me alone? Why, why, why, why?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He shifted beside me, uncertain of what to do, and then touched my arm lightly. I moved away from his touch and refused to look at him. I couldn't let him touch me, if he did then I'd break again and he had broken me enough in my opinion. Yet his fingers brushed against my face and instinctively I leaned into his wondrous touch, a sigh escaping my lips. My eyes closed and I felt him brush back my hair lightly before his lips touched mine in a gentle kiss. My body relaxed and my mouth opened on its accord to let Yuki's tongue slip inside and graze against mine. I moaned and leaned towards him as he deepened our kiss, but I suddenly pulled away and pushed him back in shock and anger.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"How…how dare you!" I screamed at him and stumbled out of the bathroom, my arms wrapped tightly around my body as I tried to stop my shaking. God…did I want him, I wanted him so badly. Every nerve in my body tingled for his touch and I could still feel his tongue in my mouth, his lips against mine, his fingers in my hair and his warm breath rushing into my mouth, letting me taste him. I couldn't believe I could be such an idiot!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Shu!" He called, following behind me closely.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I stopped in the living room and began pacing before the blonde. Yet I froze when I looked at the corner I had sat in bleeding to death a month ago. I had expected all evidence of that night to be completely erased, but instead it was the opposite. Yuki had pushed the television, the couch and even the sparse house plants I had put in the house into that corner, completely covering it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He shifted uncomfortably when he saw where my eyes were and explained. "I…couldn't clean the blood off the carpet, I couldn't even go near it Shu. Since that night I haven't even been able to look at it."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Why did you save me?" I whispered before turning to face him, enraged and yelling, "Why didn't you just let me die? I <em>wanted</em> to die!"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Yuki narrowed his eyes. "Don't say that."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"It's the truth Yuki." I gave him a lopsided smile and began pacing again. He took a step closer to me and I retreated a dozen steps. "Don't come near me you bastard."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He sighed, "I deserve that."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"You deserve a lot worse than that for what you've put me through!" I retorted angrily. I could see his lips press into a thin line, his eyes glint dangerously with rage and his fists clench as he tried to control his anger. "You keep taking what I want away from me! Just leave me alone to die."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Don't say that." He growled, closing his eyes and taking a shaky breath.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Or you'll do what Yuki?" I taunted. I really must've lost my mind to be taunting my ex-lover. Yup! The cold bastard is my ex-lover now, I admit it, we really never were lovers to begin with in my opinion, but I was walking a thin line. I was walking the line between sanity and insanity. At any moment Yuki could snap and beat me or rape me, but I didn't care anymore. I just wanted to die and be over with it all so what the hell, if he wants to beat me until I can no longer stand, then let him. "Are you gonna hit me Yuki? Are you gonna slap me? Punch me? Kick me? Pull my hair? Make me suck you off? Are you gonna rape me Yuki? Huh? Because you've already done your worst, nothing else can be any worse!" I stepped towards him until I was an inch from his face and stood on my tippy-toes so I could look into his eyes, which were now open wide with shock. "Are you gonna <em>kill</em> me Yuki? Because you've already done that."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I kept waiting for the slap and the insults, but golden eyes just continued to stare down into my violet ones. Before I could react, he kissed me again and gathered me into his arms, hugging me tightly to his chest. I was so surprised I didn't even struggle and my body relaxed against his reflexively. "I refuse to let you die." He whispered into my ear, kissing my neck lightly.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His words startled me out of my stupor and I kneed him in the groin, making him immediately release me and double over in pain. "Why?" I cried. "I just want to die! Why can't you let me? Why do you refuse the only thing I want anymore? I can't have solitude, I can't have death, I can't have my blade, I can't have <em>you</em>...All you do is hurt me!"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Yuki pushed himself off the ground while I continued to stare at him, face flushed from his two stolen kisses and my own anger. "I would <em>never</em> do anything like that to you." He said quietly.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"You would never what, love?" I asked sarcastically, "Beat me? Didn't you ever wonder why I was always conveniently running into things every time you went out drinking? Didn't you even get the least bit curious when I came home from getting beat by that gang after I hit you?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I watched as the blood drained from his already pale face. "I-I…no."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"No?" I laughed, "Do you want me to tell you how you held me against the wall and gripped my shoulder so tightly your nails broke my skin and left deep wounds? Or how you almost snapped my wrist one night when I tried to push you away? Or about the first time you beat me? That was just after I came home from spending three nights with Hiro. You accused me of cheating on you—how ironic, you accuse me of cheating on you with my best friend while you were cheating on me with some frilly bitch." I smiled at him and touched his cheek lightly, my finger tracing his lips. "Do you know what you told me Yuki? You told me I belonged to you, that I was yours and to never forget it. And so I stayed obedient to you because you're my master Yuki and I your slave."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He moved away from me, "Stop this. Stop it right now."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I gave a mocking bow, "As you say <em>Master</em>."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Golden eyes followed my every movement and we both fell silent, he staring at me while I began pacing before him once more. I couldn't give myself the chance to be taken by his intoxicating smell, his soft blonde hair, his piercing eyes, his soft touches or his kisses. I moaned when I thought about those two kisses I had finally received his gentle touch after five months and yearned for more. His soft lips against mine sent shivers down my spine and his tongue sliding seductively against mine left me brain dead and moaning. I knew if he took me in his arms again, if he kissed me again, if he did anything to touch me again, I wouldn't be able to stop him anymore. I wouldn't be able to move away, I would be his once again be his.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Utterly, entirely, completely his.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"I love you Shuichi." He whispered though his voice carried over the silent room a hundred times louder.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"NO!" I screamed, covering my ears and finally breaking, falling to the ground in a tremulous heap. "No! Don't tell me that you love me, don't tell me that! No! No! No!"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Shuichi—"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"No…" I trembled. The tears came again as I tried to block out his words. "You can't tell me you love me Yuki. No, it's too late. Don't tell me you love me!"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"But I do!" He insisted.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I rocked my body back and forth, my hands still over my ears though I could still hear him. "It doesn't mean anything anymore. It means nothing at all. Nothing. It means nothing Yuki." I ranted. "You can't tell me you love me after everything you did to me. You don't love me, you don't love me, you don't love me…You. Don't. Love. Me." I finally looked back up at him and saw the hurt I felt reflecting in his eyes. "Why didn't you let me die?" I asked again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Because," he answered, kneeling down a couple feet from me, "I do love you."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"No Yuki, don't tell me that. If you loved me then I wouldn't be reduced to…to this!" I cried, holding out my arms to him. "Don't tell me you love me Yuki, not after what you did to me. I gave you everything and never expected anything in return except your love, but even that was too much to ask. So don't tell me you love me after you killed me because it no longer matters." I clenched my teeth and refused to meet his eyes again. Biting my bottom lip, I continued to rock my body, my arms wrapped around myself again. "I want Hiro." I whispered almost inaudibly, but I knew Yuki would hear them.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He watched me for a couple minutes, just studying me with eyes filled with love, sorrow and regret before standing up to call Hiro. Regret…what a joke. Yuki regretted nothing and he loved nothing. I had given him two years to prove he loved me and how did he show me that? He fucked some woman in an alley and never once noticed my deteriorating condition. Oh of course he regretted it now, he lost his fuck toy and it was <em>all his fault</em>. Who wouldn't regret that?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I remained sitting on the floor rocking back and forth until Hiro came, looking worse for wear. His hair was in need of a serious brushing, his eyes were dull and weary as if he had been up all night and he walked raggedly as if he badly needed rest. He let out a relieved sigh when he saw me, but looked at Yuki for answers. I blocked everything out as Yuki told Hiro what had transpired between us and then I felt Hiro's arms around me. At first I thought they were Yuki's and whispered such, but when I looked up I saw brown eyes, not gold and red-brown hair, not blonde. Hiro picked me up easily, I think I weighed somewhere around eighty pounds now, I had originally been around a hundred, but I had lost a lot of weight since then and I was still fat! My stomach was still soft and fleshy and I had tried so hard…but I guess none of that matters anymore.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Hiro. I wanna go." I whispered to him, burying my face in his shirt so I wouldn't have to look at Yuki.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Okay Shu-chan, we'll go." He said tiredly. He shifted my weight and started out the door, but Yuki stopped us.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Shuichi…" Yuki said, making me look up at him. Something in his voice refused to let me stay hidden from him. When I saw his face I immediately felt warmth, he was smiling. That soft smile he only gave to me—not even that slut Sakura received that smile—and his eyes became gentle. He caressed my face with the side of his hand and wiped away my tears with his thumb. "Please get better." He begged and then kissing my temple, he let Hiro leave with me still wrapped in his arms.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>So here I sat in Hiro's house, on Hiro's couch, watching Hiro's television and eating Hiro's food. I had learned on the way to his house that the hospital had informed him immediately of my disappearance and they had sent out a search team, but Hiro, my parents and sister, Ryuuchi and even Tatsua had spent the entire night searching for me. I never questioned why it didn't cross their minds to call Yuki, but just apologized and smiled as I always did for worrying everyone.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hiro was now asleep, catching up on the rest his body dearly needed from having to watch me and work every day, and I had already scoured the entire house the first day I had come here. There wasn't a single blade in his house, he had no knives, nothing sharp at all, and cooked dinner with foods that were already prepared. No medications except the ones I had been given and even those were locked away in a case that only Hiro knew the combination to. Anyone who visited me always acted nervous and uncertain of how to act around me and a part of me was thankful for that. At least they were honest about it. But another part of me was angered by it, so what if I had problems? Who didn't?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Damn, I wished for a blade so much, I had never been away from the cutting for so long before and I yearned to feel that soothing release that came with each gash. Yet Hiro had nothing I could use unless I wanted to break something of his, which I didn't. They were Hiro's possessions and though I could replace most of them without a worry, they were still his. His. Everything was his. I was even wearing his clothing; using his towels, his bed, his sheets, his shoes, his toothbrush, his soap…nothing was mine. At least with Yuki I had at least one thing that was mine…No. I refused to think of Yuki, I couldn't think of my blonde bastard. Yet everywhere I looked I saw the gentle smile and soft eyes… "I love you."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I closed my eyes, fighting back the tears. He had to say that, I heard those three words in my waking and sleeping hours and they were tearing me apart. I told him they no longer mattered to me, but oh God did they! The one thing I wanted to hear him say to me all my life and I finally received it just to throw it back in his face. That alone made me want to die even more, I had caused Yuki pain, I had caused him to suffer as I have and even if I wanted that, it still tore at my heart. I wrapped his arms around my knees and returned to watching the television blankly. At least here I could lose myself in someone else's problems and not have to think of my own.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Finally boring of the talk show—it was about cheaters, just wonderful—I flipped through the other channels, passing the Music Channel completely without even pausing. I knew most likely Bad Luck would be on there and then I'd have to hear all the songs I sung about Yuki…damn it. I thought about him again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Yet my hand stilled when a familiar blonde appeared on the screen. My lip trembled and I bit it lightly as I stared at Yuki. I picked up the remote to change the channel, but I found I couldn't and I felt my throat constrict as his cold voice flowed through the television to my ears. He always was cold during interviews, his eyes always hiding whatever he felt, his voice so cold it could freeze a fire, his piercing gaze making those he spoke to shiver beneath his scrutiny and his head held up high as if he were well above them.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Eiri-san, your newest novel, <em>Cutting Through It All</em>, will be released this Friday, but no one knows what this book is about. Could you please tell us?" The young black haired Japanese woman asked him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Yuki was silent for a long time, his eyes downcast as I have never seen them before, and when he spoke his voice was no longer cold but soft and quiet. "It's about a man who made a mistake, a horrific mistake, and caused his lover to turn to starvation and mutilation and yet the man never notices what he's putting his koibito through, but one night…" Yuki swallowed and licked his lips, my eyes following his smooth tongue grazing over his lips before slipping back inside. "One night the man comes home to find his lover dying in their apartment. <em>Cutting Through It All</em> shows what was going through the man's mind and how much he regrets what he did to his lover."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The interviewer frowned, "Then…this is a same gender relationship?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Yes."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>My breath caught. Yuki had written a novel about us, about what happened to us. I don't know if I was angry or pleased that Yuki had written about our lives. Part of me was pleased because Yuki had never once written a novel between male lovers, but part of me was raging. He was writing about <em>our</em> relationship, a matter that should remain between us and only us. Yet I knew that was absurd, we were both famous, at the top of our careers and as such, we never had our privacy. Yet…Yuki was using my pain, my torture and our sick, twisted relationship to make money! And that enraged me.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"What made you suddenly change your writing style?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His eyes flickered dangerously and I saw the signs that the interviewer overstepped her boundaries. "A personal reason." He answered coldly.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"There have also been rumors that you wrote this novel in only a month's time, is that true?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Yes." He answered solemnly, his usual arrogant smirk gone from his face. "But that does not mean it was rushed and therefore badly written. This novel…came easily to me…" He said vaguely, which only caused me to clench my fists in anger. Of course it came easily to him! <em>I'm</em> the damn one who makes up his story! But then…the man in the story would be Yuki…right?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Eiri-san," the interviewer said hesitantly, knowing going any further on that subject would mean certain doom for her. "When you were last on our show six months ago, you said you were in a relationship with Sakura."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"I never said I was in a relationship with her." He growled, "I know what you're going to ask and so I'll answer before you say it. I don't know what happened to her nor do I care very much. Sakura was a front for my own personal life—which is <em>mine</em>—and I broke it off with her once…I almost lost him." His voice dropped to an almost inaudible whisper, but I'm certain everyone heard the last part.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I knew tears were streaking down my face by now, I knew I was crying, my heart ached to be near him and yet I don't think my heart could survive being near him again. I began rocking back and forth as had become habit every time I was upset or nervous, rubbing my biceps absently. I couldn't stand the pain I was feeling! It was too much for me to deal with and yet at the same time I couldn't move, my eyes wouldn't leave Yuki's face no matter how much I wanted to tear them away.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"H-him?" The interviewer gaped.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Yuki's eyes narrowed and bored right through her. I almost moaned, those eyes held such intensity, I loved that about his eyes. How they could just see right through my body to my soul. "Yes, him. I'm gay, happy?" He snapped, "And if you must know, my newest novel is based on us. I'm the man who made the (beep)ing mistake and almost killed his lover." Then not even waiting for the show to end, he stormed off the set, cursing at everyone who got in his way.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I was finally able to move and turned the television off quickly, throwing the remote across the room as I began shaking with sobs. The pain I had spent the last two weeks burying deep within me so it would never hurt me again broke free and plundered my mind. My hands were shaking as I stumbled towards the kitchen, slamming the drawers open looking for anything sharp. Anything! I just wanted it to stop; I just didn't want to be hurt again…I just wanted the pain to go away. Finding nothing in the first drawer, I moved to the next, throwing the spoons and forks and other cooking accessories onto the floor. I knew Hiro would be awakened by all the noise, but I no longer cared. As long as the ache in my heart went away, as long as the chill deep within me subsided, I would do anything.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The sixth drawer and I still hadn't found a single thing! I heard the door slam shut followed by Hiro's footsteps. I could hear him grumbling something about never getting any sleep and something else, but my mind was elsewhere. The only thing on my mind was Yuki, his last words to me, and finding something sharp. I pulled open the next drawer and rummaged through it, but there was still nothing! My breaths were coming in short, shaky pants and my entire body shook with cold and sobs.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Shuichi?" Hiro asked, looking at the mess around the kitchen. "What are you doing?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"I-I-I…" I stuttered between sobs. "I can't do this anymore." I whispered and sprinted towards the door with Hiro just behind me. I grabbed the door handle, at least out there I could find something sharp, but the door didn't open. Hiro had dead bolted the door and only he had the key. "Hiro! Let me out!" I yelled at him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He crossed his arms over his chest, "No Shuichi, I can't do that."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Please," I begged him, "Y-you don't understand, I <em>need </em>this. I can't keep going through this pain!"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"You're stronger than this Shu—"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"No I'm not!" I shouted at him, startling him with the conviction in my voice. I crumpled to the ground before his eyes, my back sliding down the door, and muttered, "I love him Hiro, I love him." My arms wrapped around my knees and I buried my head into my lap to hide my tears.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A soft touch on my shoulder caused me to look up at my friend with blurry eyes. "It'll be okay Shu."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I didn't believe him, not even for a second. I wouldn't give myself the false hope that everything would be 'okay' in the end. Hiro couldn't understand how much it pained me to be away from Yuki, how much it hurt to be close to him, how I yearned to hear his voice and yet at the same time how I feared it. My conflicting emotions were tearing me apart from within, slowly taking a piece of my soul away everyday and with it, my will to live.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Seeing Yuki on the television was enough to bring up my unwanted pain, but hearing him speak brought up my unwanted memories, sending pleasurable shivers down my spine, and yet at the same time that sultry voice of his was enough to break me. One word from his lips and he'd have me on the ground prostrate at his feet. Yuki was my entire being, I didn't feel complete when I wasn't with him, I didn't even feel like I was a half and he was the other. No, I felt like I was nothing without him, as if I was a shell that only Yuki could fill with his essence—he is the reason I live. Without him, I no longer have a reason or a will to live.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But Hiro didn't understand that. He didn't understand how much Yuki affected me. "Why won't it go away?" I whispered to his, looking up at him expectantly. Maybe he could tell me how to make it go away, maybe he knew why it didn't. Blades made it go away, so did alcohol, though I didn't like alcohol as much as the ethereal cut of a blade, but it always came back…The ache in my heart, the emptiness in my soul always returned in the end and I wanted it so badly to just go away. Death would make it leave, I know that, but they refuse to let me die: My family, my friends, Yuki…they are now my enemies, keeping me from what I desire most.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hiro frowned, "What won't go away Shu?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"The pain," I sobbed, pulling away from his touch. "I just want the pain to go away!"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Shuichi…"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"You don't understand Hiro, no one does. I <em>need</em> it. It makes the pain disappear, it makes me feel…real if only for a moment. It's the only way I can continue living." I whispered, turning my head to stare at the carpet. As much as I loved Hiro, he wasn't the one I wanted next to me right now. That was Yuki, I wanted Yuki to comfort me, but the only way he knew how to comfort someone was to hurt them again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Why? Why do you need this so badly?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>My eyes blurred again as a new onslaught of tears ran down my cheeks, dribbling off my chin. "So I can feel alive again."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"You are alive."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"I am numb." I answered. "I'm so cold Hiro, inside and out that I no longer <em>feel</em> alive. Cutting gives me the reassurance that I still live, I need to see my blood well up and trickle down my arm, I need to see that I bleed, that I really <em>am</em> alive because right now I don't feel it."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He stared at me, probably trying to understand my insatiable need for mutilation, before pulling me into an awkward hug. "But you don't need to put yourself through that torture Shuichi. You're my best friend, I care about you and what happens to you and so do many others! We don't want to see you like this Shu, we don't want you to suffer like this and want to die."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I buried my face into Hiro's shirt and cried harder. Everything I felt within me I poured into my tears, everything. My loneliness, my fear, my loss, my pain, my love, my anger, my sorrow, my hate, my broken soul, my want and my helplessness: My helplessness against cutting, against death, against Yuki and even worse, my helplessness to keep my life together—to keep my soul together. I was forlorn, lost, abandoned and I was scared, scared that I would never survive this as I had before. In the two weeks I had spent with Hiro, I had slowly begun to think that maybe, just maybe, I might be able to move on, but today had proved me wrong.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Yuki was still my life. Seeing his beautifully sculpted face had shattered my resolve and left me bare to the world at how much I truly had lost myself to the blonde novelist. There was no way I could repair the damage his voice had done, even if he wasn't right before me he could still hurt me. There was no doubt in my mind any longer that I would not survive being so far away from Yuki. At least when he was cheating on me and beating me, I could still be near him…but now…I couldn't even be near him. I was locked inside Hiro's house, only allowed out with Hiro and K at my side. Otherwise I was not allowed outside. I was no longer trusted with anything, my meat was cut for me before giving it to me, when we went shopping, K and Hiro would both inspect everything I put in the cart. My life was like that of a criminal, as if <em>I</em> was the one who had committed the wrong. But maybe I did…I didn't know any longer. Nothing made sense except that Yuki was no longer beside me and that I would certainly die without him.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Hiro sent me to take a shower and clean up and I slowly stripped as I turned the water on. My heart was heavy and my body weary. I stopped to look at my reflection and shuttered. I no longer looked as I had six months ago. My face was pale and gaunt from malnutrition and lack of sunlight and air, my eyes had lost their luster and were now a dull violet that portrayed sorrow, my lips pale and chapped and my hair unkempt, oily and faded. I looked down at my body before the mirror and couldn't help but cringe. Every rib showed perfectly, my skin pale and dry, lacking muscle and tone as they once had. When I breathed in, my ribs stilled showed and I carefully ran my fingers over them in gruesome fascination. I had never looked at my naked reflection before. Sure, I had looked at my face or stomach or how I looked in certain clothes, but never had I stared at my naked form. My stomach was swollen from finally being fed real food regularly, my eyes continued downwards…I turned to my side and stared at my bony hips, they stuck out oddly, my skin forming around it perfectly and showing my hip bones without hiding anything. My legs were spindly, looking more like sticks than smooth, tone calves and muscled quadriceps and I wondered how on earth I had continued to walk?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I refused to look at my chest, knowing the six jagged scars that crossed over my chest from my own cutting. I tore my eyes away from my grisly form and stepped into the warm shower. I collapsed against the back wall and let the water pour over me, bringing a hand up to slick back my hair—just like Yuki. Immediately tears flowed into my eyes. His words kept repeating in my mind…</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"I love you."</p>
<p>"You belong to me."</p>
<p>"Please get better."</p>
<p>"Baka!" </p>
<p>"I'm just so happy to have you back."</p>
<p>"I love you."</p>
<p>"Go away brat!"</p>
<p>"Let's go to bed."</p>
<p>"I thought I had lost you!"</p>
<p>"Please don't cry Shu…"</p>
<p>"You sleeping with him Shu?"</p>
<p>"I know I hurt you bad Shuichi."</p>
<p>"I told you once my story was finished I'd leave you alone forever."</p>
<p>"You're <em>mine</em> and don't you forget it."</p>
<p>"Because, I do love you."</p>
<p>"I refuse to let you die."</p>
<p>"Shuichi…"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I bowed my head in defeat. "You're right Yuki…I am yours and I've never forgotten it." I looked out the small window in the bathroom and stared outside, the snow still fresh on the ground, but no new snow had fallen today or yesterday. I gave a sniff as the water relieved my body of all its tension and knots, but not of the pain weighing on my heart and soul. No, the water couldn't wash that away, only more pain ever took away the pain I held inside.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I raised a shaky hand and clenched it into a fist before punching it through the small window, embedding my hand with glass. I winced when I felt the glass cut into my hand and leave behind large gashes and cuts up to my wrist. I pulled my hand through the broken glass, letting it scrape along side it, and sighed as I felt the pain in my heart recede to the depth of my soul. I picked up a sliver of glass and stared at the blood marring the clear edges curiously. I pressed the sharp edge to my arm, just above my veins and closed my eyes, taking a breath before cutting into my skin.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>"Please get better."</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>My hand stilled at Yuki's voice and I clenched my teeth as the tears threatened to come again. "No!" I cried, and tried to bring the glass once more to my arm, but I couldn't go through with it. Every time the cool glass touched my skin my hand began to shake and Yuki's voice would echo through my mind.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>"I love you."</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A sob caught in my throat and I dropped the glass as if it burned me. "N-no." I whispered brokenly. Yuki had even taken away my own choices now; I couldn't even cut myself without his voice invading my thoughts. The pain returned again and even heavier than before. I stepped out of the bathroom, crying and holding my injured hand close to my chest. "Hiro…" I called hoarsely, "Hiro, please!"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Shuichi?" Hiro's head popped out from the kitchen curiously. "Shu, what's wrong?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"I-I'm sorry…" I whispered once I reached the kitchen. I showed him my injured hand and looked down guiltily. "I-I'll pay for the window Hiro, I'm sorry."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Forget the window Shuichi! I couldn’t care less about that." He exclaimed, concern etched into his face as he examined my hand. "Oh Shuichi…" I winced when he turned my hand over, but refused to make a noise. "Come on, I'll call K and we'll take you to the hospital, okay?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I just nodded, finally noticing I had stepped out naked and now stood before Hiro, who was now looking at my wasted body. I saw his eyes soften with pity and sorrow, but he didn't say anything as I walked away to get dressed. I heard Hiro leave to turn off the shower and I somehow managed to get my boxers on before I Hiro came in to help me with my jeans, but the shirt was impossible. So he wrapped me in a blanket and set me in the passenger's seat while he called K and told him to come to the hospital.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I didn't look elsewhere, just stared straight ahead, my soul finally completely broken and my sanity mostly lost. I didn't say a word as Hiro drove, my thoughts were full of a similar time when Yuki was rushing me to the hospital and telling me to hang on and once more, my thoughts turned to that. What was there for me to live for this time? Oh, I knew I would live past this, but there was nothing that gave me hope. As I sank deeper into my silence, I wallowed in my abandonment and desperation.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>No, there was nothing left for me to live for.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Dhampir <br/>1/20/05 <br/>Page 12</p>
<p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter Four</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong>Disclaimer:</strong> I do not own <em>Gravitation</em> nor do I own the characters.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><strong>Warning from One-Winged Angel:</strong> Before reading you must have at least two tissue boxes and sound proof walls.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><strong>Personal Note:</strong> Shuichi in this chapter is insecure, sickly, drugged and confused so most of his thoughts are broken and don't follow as well as in my last chapters. Also, this is the last chapter.</p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>Cutting Through It All<br/></strong>
  <em>Chapter Four</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"So what's wrong with him?" Hiro whispered.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The doctor sighed and looked at me. "He's given up."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"What do you mean?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Nanako-san, we have ran over twenty tests and countless examinations on Shindou-san and other than malnutrition and starvation, there is nothing wrong with him. What I mean is he has given up on life, it's as simple as that."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"It can't be as simple as that!" My friend cried, "He'd never just give up!"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I sat on the hospital bed, staring at nothing and yet everything at the same time. They didn't think I was listening to them, I don't think they even knew I was possible of comprehension. And I truly wasn't. I heard what they said, I saw what they did and yet all I did was store the information—finally understanding a minute or two behind them.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It had been at least a week since I had been admitted to the hospital. Hiro brought me here the night I punched my hand through the bathroom window and after telling the doctors what had happened and receiving no reaction out of me, they decided it best to observe me for some time. They're idea of observation was poking, prodding and groping at me all while injecting me full of sedatives and other medications, leaving me in a constant daze.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But it isn't as if it mattered to me. There was very little for me to linger on while I was pumped full of drugs and so I usually just sat up in bed and stared straight ahead at nothing or at my bandaged hand. I had needed surgery because the glass had severed muscles and tendons leaving my hand almost useless. They had placed a hard cast around my hand after the surgery so I wouldn't pull any tendons or muscles out of place as it healed, but it didn't mean I enjoyed it. Not being able to use my hand bothered me…I don't really know why, but it did. I was going to die anyways, right?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Shuichi?" Hiro asked, sitting on the edge of my bed. His eyes reflected his concern for me and I slowly turned my head towards him. "Shu, how do you feel today?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I knew he expected an answer, but all I could do was stare at him. Words were an impossible feat for me with so many drugs running through my veins and in all honesty I didn't want to talk.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I just wanted to die…</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Shu?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Again I just stared at him. I knew why he was there. He was my friend, he cared for me. He was here because I refused to eat anything—I didn't like the food, it tasted weird. My eyes were always blank, or so the doctors said, and I barely moved. Usually I lay down to sleep and then when I awaken I sit up and stare into nothingness.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The only sensible thought I had was Yuki, but that name caused me such pain I refused to dwell upon it, much happier in watching nothing.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Please Shuichi, can't you at least do something?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I tilted my head. Well it was something, right?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"You have to eat something Shuichi." He pleaded, his eyes so full of fear, "The doctors say…they said you'll die if you don't eat something!" He laid a hand on my shoulder and I turned to stare at it. Die… I thought I was already dead…hadn't Yuki killed me? I frowned and shook my head, no, that is wrong. I was alive…but I was dead <em>inside</em>. I no longer possessed a soul, Yuki had broken it when he broke me.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Hiro." Someone whispered and I let my unfocused eyes fall upon the blonde haired man.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"…Yuki…" A pained whisper escaped my mouth and the unwilling tears followed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hiro startled and looked at me in shock before giving me a kind smile and standing up to join the blonde haired man. I let out a broken cry when I saw the man before me wasn't Yuki. No, my love wouldn't ever come here, he wouldn't because he didn't care. The only person I wanted to see was the only person who wouldn't come. I closed my eyes against the hurtful tears and sunk back into my daze, just staring at my hands.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Hey Shuichi-kun, how are you feeling today?" The man asked…<em>K</em>…He was K. I remembered now, but that was all I remembered. Who he was, what he did or how I knew him were lost to me. Since…since…I don't know since when, but my mind's been a complete mess. Jumbled memories, intense feelings of love, pain, longing and sorrow mixed together, overwhelming me with their passion. And leaving me more confused than I had began.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"That was the first word he's said since he came here. Since the surgery he's been like this K-san. Unmoving, unresponsive and silent. He refuses to eat, he refuses to let anyone except me and the doctor touch him and the only time any flicker of spirit flares within him is when someone who resembles Yuki walks through." Hiro sighed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I perked up at the name and immediately began scanning the room for him, but he wasn't there. I dropped my head in defeat and sniffed lightly. Why had Hiro said those words? Why did he have to say his name? Couldn't he see how much it affected me?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>K noticed the change in my attitude and sighed, stroking my hair lightly. "You miss him, don't you?" I didn't respond, I didn't understand. Miss who? Yet…I did miss someone, I missed Yuki…but why? I let out a tired sigh and laid down on the bed, turning my head to look outside. My eyes drooped and I wiped at them with my arm, they were leaking again. I don't know why they did…maybe there was something wrong with them…No one else's eyes leaked when they came to see me.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Whispered voices caught my attention for a brief moment. Someone was speaking right outside my door and I could barely understand them. I don't know how long I've been here now, staring at the wall or television every day has that affect. I have succeeded in cutting myself twice before the nurses came and stopped me, but most times I found something sharp enough to take away my blinding pain, someone's voice kept telling me they loved me and to get better.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I don't understand though. What's wrong with me that I have to get better? My life here has been a mix of memories and inordinate emotions and I can never place them in order. There are glimpses of a man pressing me against a wall and hurting me and then there are others of a blonde haired man softly kissing me and yet the same man I have glimpsed hurting me, beating me, kissing me harshly and hungrily and then brushing my hair softly and cupping the side of my face. I had other memories of Hiro and K along with some other blurry people on stage. I'm a singer. I forgot that…</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I forget a lot of things now. Yet in my sleep is when I suffer. Dreams of golden eyes always fill my thoughts and soft lips and a name…I used to know it. I used to speak it every day and whisper it in my sleep, but I can no longer remember and for some reason that makes me sad. I always awaken before I hear the name I search so vainly for. Thinking of the blonde man stirs deep pain within me and I have often found my eyes leaking when I try to remember who he is.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I am leaking now and I do not know why. I have become so weak I can no longer sit up on my own, but instead I must use the bed and prop it up. Even then I lay heavily upon the mattress and to change the television I must call someone it. Right now I was staring at a pale man with beautiful blonde hair that I somehow knew would be soft if I was able to touch it and intense golden eyes behind sharp looking glasses that pierced my entire being. When my eyes fell upon him, they immediately began to leak and the faded pain I felt increased ten fold, causing me to begin shaking. I couldn't talk, my mouth open as small anguished whimpers left my lips, and I couldn't turn away from this man who caused such confusion within me. My eyes could only follow how his eyes narrowed when someone said something to him and how his mouth twisted in an arrogant smirk that told whoever watching that he knew what he was doing and talking about.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Doctor, you called me?" Hiro asked. I just barely heard his voice, the blonde's face captivating me.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"I'm sorry Nanako-san, but…" there was a pause and I found myself curious to hear what the doctor said. He never hesitated, but though my ears perked, my eyes stayed locked on the television blonde. Where did I know this man from? "But if Shindou-san doesn't begin to respond soon, we're going to lose him by the end of the week. He's been living off of what we can force into him, but his weight has dropped dangerously low. He weighed seventy pounds three days ago, any lower and his body will collapse. It may already be too late even if he did begin to respond, but at least right now there's a slim chance he'll survive."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"By the end of the week?" Hiro whispered and I could already imagine the shock and anguish on his face. "Shuichi only has a week?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"I'm sorry Nanako-san, but we really have tried everything we can. Shindou-san has just given up on living and refuses our treatments."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"But…"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"I suggest you spend what time you can with him while you can." There was a pause, "I'm sorry."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hiro entered my room soon after, but I took no notice. So what if I was going to die? Everyone did that at some point and the blonde man had taken my complete and undivided attention. He slowly pulled himself towards my bed, his eyes tightly closed and leaking…I didn't know anybody else's eyes leaked…odd.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Shuichi?" He asked, looking up at my leaking face. "Why are you crying?" He sat down next to me and gathered me into his arms, careful of the IV. So it's called crying and not leaky eyes. I'm crying…but why? I know it has to do with the hot blonde on the television…did I just think he was hot? I frowned, thinking of my hot blonde lover…</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He was my lover! I remembered something and that's why I knew how his hair would feel and how I knew underneath those clothes was a gorgeous body that was perfect in every way. But…now I was crying even more. Damn it why! There were so many things I couldn't remember and I _wanted_ to. I wanted to know why every time I picked up a sharp object I have the sudden urge to cut my flesh and watch it bleed, I wanted to know why that made me feel better, made me feel alive and reassured me that I did still breathe. I wanted to know why thinking of that blonde man made my heart ache and my chest freeze. Just watching that man made me want to cut my flesh again and I didn't know why!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I could feel myself dying just staring at my lover, my entire body ached to see him, to hear him, to touch him, to smell him and to taste him. Oh how I wanted to taste him…A small moan escaped my mouth as a memory of his tongue sliding across mine, plundering my mouth skillfully and tasting me as I tasted him. That kiss had such a rapid affect on me, I could already feel myself getting hard and another memory of his slick chest pressed against my back, his legs on either side of mine and his hands intertwined with mine. My breathing hitched as I could smell the sex on him and I could see his beautiful golden eyes full of lust and want staring into mine.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Shu?" Hiro asked again, bringing me out of my memories. I leaned back against him, but my eyes never left the television. "Please, just talk to me this once…the doctors say there's not much…time left." His voice almost broke as he told me this, but I barely heard him. My teeth were clenched, trying to keep back the tears as I stared at the blonde. Those memories caused me to cry even more and I didn't understand it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I felt his fingers on my cheek softly, wiping away my tears. "Why are you crying? Please, tell me!" He begged, his eyes trained on me while mine were trained on _him._ His name still eluded me and I started to become angry. Angry at myself, at <em>him</em>, at Hiro, at everyone. The blonde man was saying something now, but I didn't hear a single word, all I saw was him and all I wanted was him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His head dropped to rest on my shoulder, small sobs escaping his mouth. His arms tightened around me and pulled me close to him, though he was still careful with me. "I don't want to lose you Shuichi…I'm not ready to lose you!"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I became saddened by what he said, though my heart did not ache as it had for the blonde man, and I finally turned away from the television, lifting a feeble hand to brush back his long hair. He looked up at me slowly and I gave him a small smile. I wanted him to know I had no fear of death and accepted my fate.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I think he knew me all too well because when I smiled he began shaking his head, "No! Please Shuichi, don't give up!"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Hiro?" K asked from the doorway. I slowly turned to look at him and my eyes told him everything. I saw him begin to shake, his mouth slightly opened in denial, and then slowly walk towards us. "Don't tell me…No Shuichi, I refuse you the right to die!"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hiro turned his head, still keeping it on my shoulder, and blinked back tears, "The doctor said…said he has a week."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>K sat down on the other side of me and took one of my hands into his, "Please Shuichi, hang on. Don't give up."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But my eyes refused to leave the television again. My other hand slowly rose to rest over my heart and a small whimper escaped my closed lips. Why did my heart ache so? Why did I not fear death? Why did I <em>want</em> to die? Why did the man before me cause such reactions from me when no other did? Why did I feel so lost, so alone?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Abandoned.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I closed my eyes against the tears and took in a shaky breath as I opened my eyes to look at my lover again. Why can I not remember his name? Why, if he was my lover, did he refuse to come and see me? Is that why I felt so alone? Is he the pain I want to go away? I was so confused…all I knew were the two men beside me, comforting me as best they could, and my longing and pain for my blonde lover.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>K followed my eyes to look at the man and then back at me, but he said nothing. He just slicked back my hair as if I was a child and then pulled us both—Hiro and I—into a hug. "Hang on Shuichi, just a little while longer…"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But I barely heard him, my tears coming faster and the pain I felt increasing with each moment. K stood and giving a quick glance to Hiro, left. Another person leaving my side…who were the others? My parents came yesterday and so did…who were they again? I had such a hard time remembering those who didn't come every day…even my family was lost to me. Tohma…yes he was my…my…why couldn't I remember anymore? I gripped the sheets in anger, everything was in the dark and I couldn't see anything clearly. I wanted to remember so badly, I wanted to recognize my mother, my sister, my brother, my friends…my lover. Yet it was always just out of my grasp…just on the tip of my tongue but always out of reach.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The television had long since changed, the blonde man was no longer on it and yet I continued to see him in it. Hiro shifted next to me and I turned to look at him. He was my best friend and one of the only people I could remember. He opened his mouth and said something, but I couldn't hear what he said. I just continued to stare up at him blankly, watching his mouth open and close without a sound.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I giggled.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was funny, watching him talk without a single word escaping his lips was funny and I giggled again. Hiro frowned and knelt down in front of me, gripping my shoulders, and spoke slowly. I read his lips, but all I could make out was my name and I tilted my head curiously. After watching him vainly speak with me for another couple minutes, I looked back at the television blankly.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A sudden sob came to my throat and I clutched at the hospital gown over my heart painfully. Fear became prominent on Hiro's face as he watched me sob. I collapsed into his arms and cried more, the pain in my heart rendering me a crying wreak. I felt his arms around my back, rubbing it softly and I could feel his mouth moving against my hair. He was talking to me, but I could not hear him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Opening my mouth, I took a shuddering breath and spoke my first words in weeks. "Why does my heart ache?" I asked before my body collapsed in exhaustion.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>I once more sat propped up in my bed. I could no longer sit up on my own. I think it was the next day, but I couldn't be certain…maybe it was the same day or the day after next…I think someone told me, but I don't remember. Hiro sat beside me in a chair, his hands slightly shaking as he tried to act relaxed, reading a magazine.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The door clicked open and I slowly turned to see K walk through, a solemn look on his face. Hiro glanced up from his magazine and gave a small shake of his head; telling K there was no improvement from me. I had long understood what every movement Hiro and K made around me meant, a flick of the wrist meant to take your time around me, a small nod meant I was sane for the moment and comprehending, a direct stare meant there was no response from me and a wave of a hand meant to leave quickly.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>My eyes strayed back to the television, missing the hesitant steps of the man following K. I just continued to stare ahead, blocking everything else from my mind. My breaths were shallow, labored from the lack of food and strength, my skin was so pale from the lack of sunlight and cold room, I had lost so much weight I was skin and bones, my hair had grown long enough to place in a small ponytail and keep it out of my face, but it was oily from not being washed and had lost its luster.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I saw Hiro tense beside me and cocked my head at him curiously. His eyes were trained on someone behind me, I frowned. I have never seen him so…distraught over seeing K. I looked back at the television and K sat down next to me, smiling.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"How are you feeling?" He asked kindly.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I frowned. He usually wasn't this friendly speaking with me. I remembered his gun vaguely and how he used to threaten us all with it, but…he doesn't joke around like that anymore. He just smiles and speaks softly to me. I continued to stare up at him, not speaking.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"He spoke." Hiro whispered. "He wanted to know why his heart hurts so much."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>K sighed, understanding what I did not. "There's someone here who wants to see you Shuichi."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I tilted my head, waiting for his response. Who would want to see me? My family wouldn't be able to arrive here until at least tomorrow, Hiro told me that…maybe Tohma or his wife…who was she again? I didn't want to see her for some reason…she was related to…related t-to, damn it! I couldn't remember.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>K turned to look at the doorway where a gorgeous man hovered uncertain of what he should do. My eyes widened as I recognized the blonde as the same blonde on the television yesterday. My lover. I clutched at my heart again, the pain there increasing. A small whimper escaped my lips and I saw golden eyes focus on me.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>In seconds he was before me, his hands gripping mine and his eyes peering into mine. "Shuichi?" He whispered. I was crying again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"He won't talk." Hiro said to the blonde man. "He hasn't since he's come in. Today was the first time in two weeks."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The blonde man reached a hesitant hand up and brushed back my bangs. "Shu? Can you hear me?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I continued to stare at him, my body trembling at our close proximity and the pain I felt, but nodded my head. I heard him, his beautiful voice filled my soul and breathed life into me. I felt more alive next to him than I had since…since I don't know how long.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Suddenly I was gathered into his arms, pulled tightly to his chest as he rested his head on mine, rocking me back and forth. "Shuichi, please you can't give up. I love you." He whispered to me, kissing my temple. "I need you." He carefully laid me back on the bed so I was partially sitting and partially reclining and then stooped down, kissing me full on the lips. His touch was electrifying. I shyly responded to his tender kiss and opened my mouth to him when he swiped his tongue over my lips. A tear hit my face and I opened my eyes to look at the tears running down his face.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He pulled away slowly, but only about an inch, and stared down at me. I carefully lifted a hand and wiped away the tear running down his cheek, catching it on my finger. I stared at it curiously and then back up at him. He placed his temple on mine and let out a sigh. "Don't give up Shu-chan. I know I've been a bastard, but you can't die." His face was contorted with pain and worry. Why was he in pain? Was he in the same pain I was? I lightly touched his heart, keeping my eyes locked on his and then clutched at my own painfully. He lips twisted in a small smile and he nodded, caressing my cheek. "Yes, my heart hurts like yours."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I looked at Hiro for assurance, finding him watching us carefully, and then lifted my eyes back to his, my sorrow and pain reflecting in them. The way he stared into my eyes gave me the feeling he could see what I was, who I was and what I felt.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"You baka…" He whispered, kissing me again. "I told you to get better, I can't live without you."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He bit my lip lightly and I immediately recoiled, a flash of horror coming across my face. This man—my lover—had done that to me before, but it wasn't just a soft bite that time. No, he bit my lip so hard it bled and then…then he beat me…</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I began to shake, fear haunting my eyes as I looked at the shocked blonde haired man. I think he understood though, because he bowed his head and stepped away from me quickly. Though I was suddenly terrified of him, my eyes still raked appreciatively over his form. He had dressed in black slacks and dress shoes along with a deep red shirt under his leather jacket. He wore his glasses, but for some reason I had expected to see sunglasses instead of those prescription glasses…</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Shu," he whispered, and that's when I noticed the book in his hand. "I…I want you to have this." He laid the book in my reach and then smiled softly at me. "I'm sorry for everything Shu-chan."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>No one said anything as I carefully fingered the book next to me. <em>Cutting Through It All</em>…I frowned and looked back up at him. Why was he giving me a book?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The blonde man leaned forward and lightly brushed my cheek with his knuckles. This man was familiar to me and I felt myself relaxing around him again. He knew me, he knew me all too well and a part of me was frightened by that aspect while another part of me was overjoyed. "I'll leave now, but I'll stop by tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that until you recover. You have to get better Shu, please get better."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"<em>Please get better.</em>" The voice whispered to me and I wiped at the tears dripping down my cheeks. He had told me that before. I knew that now, I remembered that…it was when I left to live with Hiro…but <em>why?</em> Why did I leave to live with my best friend and not my lover?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The man nodded to K and Hiro and began to leave with K just behind him, speaking quietly to him. Slowly I picked up the book and stared at the picture on the front of it. It was of a bloody razor dropping into a puddle of blood on a bathroom floor.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>"Give me the blade Shuichi."</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A flash of blood. Bandages. Blood. A blade. Shaking hands. Cuts. Pain. Anguish. Lost. Hope. Love. Hate. Drip, drip, drip. Blood. So much blood! Blood everywhere. All over the floor, on the counter tops, in the bathtub, bloody towels. Hospitals. Stitches. Scars. More…need more.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>My quivering hand turned open the book as more memories flooded my mind of my mutilation, my starvation, all the pain I felt and the hopelessness. I looked at the first page and saw my name, my fingers tracing it lightly.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>For Shuichi,</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>You can never believe how sorry I truly am.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>You are my light leading me through the darkness.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Without you I am lost.</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I began to shake and a name came to my lips silently, mouthing the name over and over. A sob caught in my throat again before I let out an anguished cry and covered my face with my hands. "Yuki…" I finally whispered as I continued to cry. Hiro was at my side in seconds, trying to calm me in my failing state.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Please Shu, don't…don't exert yourself, please!" He begged me, but I just shook my head and muffled my cries into his shoulder.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Yuki, Yuki, Yuki, Yuki…" My lover's name slipped from my lips breathlessly and I began to tremble in Hiro's hands. I didn't want to remember anymore. Saying his name caused me such joy and such pain, I didn't like it. I didn't want it. I wanted it to go away and stay away. I wanted it all to go away…</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Hush Shuichi." Hiro whispered, rubbing my back soothingly. "He's just gone for the moment, but I promise you if you want, he'll come back tomorrow."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"He left me." I gasped hoarsely. "He left me again. Yuki."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hiro's grip around me tightened when I began to cough and bring in gasping breaths of air. "Calm down Shu…if you keep this up your lungs could collapse o-or…or your heart could give out."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I heard his words, but I knew nothing of them. I was too far gone—even I knew that—to understand what Hiro meant. I finally remembered my lover's name and yet it caused me so much pain to remember my blonde angel's name. No…not angel. Looks are deceiving and Yuki was no angel. I'm not really sure how I know that, but I do know it. My eyes remained glued to the door Yuki had left through, never leaving it as Hiro continued to rock me back and forth, but it was pointless. I was lost.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>—One Year Later—</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It's been almost a year without him. One full year. I don't know how I survived so long without him…I miss him. I miss him greatly. I see him every day after work, or at least once a week if my work became too much, but it just…</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I glanced around my empty apartment and immediately memories filled my mind, my work lost to me once again. Everywhere I look, I see him…our first kiss, our first date, our first night together, how we met, all our fights, all our apologies—our life. Yet it isn't those special memories that wrench at my heart. It's the little things that linger on.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>How he ate, how his mouth opened ever so slightly to let the chop sticks disappear inside with a bit of food and then return empty. How he sat, the way he looked in the shower—water dripping of his beautiful body as he shook his head to get the water out of his eyes. It was how he spoke and how his hair shaped his face. It was the way he smiled, how he slept so peacefully, how he looked just after sex and the way his eyes were always lingering on me.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I sighed and wiped the tear trickling down my face. Memories of him always did do this to me…I pulled my jacket on and climbed into my car to go meet Hiroshi. It was time again and Hiro always did go with me. I drove down the road in a slight haze and finally pulled into the parking lot up next to Hiro's motorcycle. I stepped out of my car and gave a sigh.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Hey Hiro."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hiro smiled at me and looked at the building in front of us. "You ready Shu?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I bit my lip. I hated coming here, I didn't want to talk with a shrink, but I had been ordered to by the doctor. If I skipped even one session I was to be admitted back into the hospital where they would <em>make</em> me go to them—like they weren't making me go already. At least it wasn't the hospital… "Yeah, as ready as I'll ever be." I whispered as we walked in.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hiro always came with me. I don't think there has been a single session he's missed even though he's not allowed inside with me to talk with the psychiatrist, but he waited in the Waiting Room until I was finished for the week. It had been every day, every damn day for seven months before my psychiatrist, Dr. Mina, decided I could finally move into once a week, which I had been doing for the past four months. I guess I did need the help though…</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Shuichi! How are you today?" Mina asked, startling from my thoughts.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I gave her a weak smile and sat down in the chair, I refused to lie down. "I'm all right." I shrugged. "It's been a year…"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"When was the last time you turned to self mutilation?" She asked, her eyes scrutinizing my body and expressions. I was used to this by now though at first it really unnerved me, but later she explained she was just looking for signs of starvation or cuts and such.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Um…I think about a month ago."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"And the last time you <em>thought</em> of self mutilation?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Yesterday." I answered meekly.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She sighed and leaned back in her chair, "Why?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I looked away, I really didn't want to answer her. Couldn't she just be pleased that I hadn't turned to cutting myself yet? But no, she wanted it so I wasn't even thinking about it. "I miss Yuki."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"But you see him every day, Shuichi."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I nodded, it was true, I did see him every day, but… "It's not the same." I whispered.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Let's talk about your work." She suggested, seeing that I was beginning to fall silent. I finally begin talking less and <em>now</em> I find someone who doesn't want me to shut up. I nodded and began speaking about our new songs, my feelings about them, how stressful my days were and so on, but my mind was elsewhere.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Though I finally began responding to 'treatment' and eating once again, it still had taken a month before I was released from the hospital into Hiro's care. I had lost so much weight in those two weeks that they had to slowly rebuild my diet until I could finally eat solid foods and starches without getting sick. I was usually on yogurt and light ice cream. Then they brought in Dr. Mina to help me with my 'problem'. They called it a problem—I called it a solution. Though I knew that was the wrong way to think, for six months it had been the only thing that kept me alive even though at the same time it was killing me.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And yes, I was living with Hiro instead of Yuki. No one—including Yuki and myself—thought it a good idea go back to his house. My family wanted me to return with them, but I still had work and I didn't want to live with them at my age so I settled to live with Hiro as a roommate. Though he was more a caretaker than a roommate. I need constant watching, constant attention, constant reassurance that I wasn't really alone as I had once thought and it was wearing Hiro out though he refused to admit it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>My cutting didn't really stop and there was always days when Hiro would wake up to find me bloody on the bathroom floor. He always led me carefully from my corner and sat me down to clean my wounds and bandage my arms as I cried. I had been a total mess. My weeks in the hospital were all a blur. I remember not thinking comprehensively and always confused about things, but it got worse according to Hiro. I began forgetting people and things, I would just stare listlessly at whatever was before me and every day it was the same as I became sicklier, thinner and weaker.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was Yuki who had finally pulled me away from death a third time. Again, I don't remember much, but if Yuki hadn't come then, I'd most likely be dead. I had cried in Hiro's arms all night and into the day, but when Yuki finally came again, I switched chests and cried against his instead as he soothed me to sleep.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>From that day on, Yuki visited me every day in the hospital—even on the days I refused to see him. He'd sit in the Waiting Room all day until visiting hours were over and then go home to just arrive the next day. Sometimes he'd sit next to me and just talk, me almost never making a sound, while on other days he'd sit quietly next to me typing away on a new novel, but he would glance at me and smile softly every couple minutes. There were days when I couldn't wait to see him and there were days when my memories would suddenly return and I would scream in fear if he even showed his face in the door.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I knew it was tearing him apart the way I had become, but there was nothing I could do. Half the time I was confused and distraught while the other I couldn't believe Yuki was actually with me. He never gave up though, taking what I could offer him and not asking for anymore. He never touched me, he hadn't kissed me since that day when I finally saw him for the first time in almost a month, and I was grateful for it. I don't know what I would do if he touched me—half of me thought I wouldn't ever be able to stop if he touched me or kissed me while the other half of me thought I would lash out at him in anger and fear. I wanted neither.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>After six months with Hiro, I finally moved out. I bought his car from him, a car he bought just for me since I was too weak to hold onto him as we drove, and I found a small apartment about fifteen minutes from Hiro. I was slowly recovering—very slowly, but I was making progress. There were still nights when I called him up to tell him I had cut myself again or that I was scared and he'd come rushing over to fix me up and hold me.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But my own apartment was wondrous. It was <em>mine.</em> I never had something so big that was just mine, something so important and essential—except Yuki. I decorated and bought everything on my own, even learning how to cook so I wouldn't burn down my new apartment. Yet it never really felt like home…I was paying bills on it and it looked like home, but it wasn't home. Not to me.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Yet I was doing well. I saw Yuki every day, we had agreed to see each other each day and just talk about our days and so on. There were days when it lasted only a half hour at the most and there were days where we'd talk all night and well into the morning before we split up to go our separate ways. Not once during those meetings in the last year had Yuki made a move towards me—no soft caresses or kisses or even bedroom talk as he used to. No, Yuki played the perfect gentleman, giving me those soft smiles and never letting his eyes leave me as he listened carefully to everything I said. I enjoyed that, I'll admit it. I liked having Yuki listen to me and show how much he loved me without ever touching me.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Shuichi?" Mina asked and I looked up at her quickly.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Yeah?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She gave me a small smile, "You've just been sitting there saying nothing. What are you thinking about?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Yuki."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"What about him?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I shrugged and looked away again, muttering, "I love him."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I saw the next question formed on her lips before she even said it: Why? But the session bell rang and I rushed out the door before she could even have a chance to question me. I grabbed Hiro, pulling him out of his seat, and dragged him down the hall. There was no way I was going to answer <em>why</em> I loved him, damn it, <em>I</em> didn't even know why I loved him! Yet…I could when I saw him…I loved him because of his soft smiles, his gentle eyes and demeaning, but affectionate, words. I loved him for being him. There was no other way to describe what I felt for him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Shuichi! Are you going to slow down or what?" Hiro finally yelled as I dashed outside.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I laughed weakly and dropped his wrist. "Sorry Hiro. I just couldn't wait to get out of there!"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He rolled his eyes and climbed onto his motorcycle, "Do you want to drive with me?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I shook my head, "Nah, I've got to meet up with Yuki after work."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"How is he?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"He's…good. I guess. He's kinder." I whispered, unlocking my car. "He makes sure I know he's listening and everything..."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"But?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"But I just don't know Hiro!" I began rubbing my arms, a habit I never truly rid myself of when I became nervous and distraught. "Sometimes I look at him and I see him and I understand him and sometimes I look at him and wonder who he is."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"And…" Hiro pressed. I almost smirked, he knew me too well.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>My eyes dropped and I leaned against my car, "There are still nights I wake up crying and the need to cut myself is overwhelming." I could feel the tears coming and tried to blink them away.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Don't tell me you've started again." His voice was quiet, but I could hear the fear and anger in his words.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I just shook my head and then smiled. "Don't worry Hiro, I'm fine. Now come on, we're gonna be late."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He watched me for a couple minutes and then nodded, revving his bike and then taking off towards the studio. I collapsed against my car and ran a hand through my hair. I slipped into my car and took a minute to collect myself. Pulling up my left sleeve I stared at the small cut on my forearm. I had lied to both of them, the nightmares have been returning as <em>that</em> day inches closer and I finally gave in. I couldn't stop the pain I felt and I was in such a state of sorrow I could barely breathe.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Finding the razor I kept hidden, I slowly cut my arm, taking the pain in and calming down my emotions. I had been able to stop myself before I cut again, knowing if I went any farther I'd be unable to stop until the damage was too great. Yet this was the first time in a month, though my first three months out of the hospital had been anything but calm. I tried almost every day to mutilate myself even though I knew how much it hurt everyone around me.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I traced the line there lightly and smiled. I could stop this, I could become strong enough to find another way to deal with pain and grief. I pulled my sleeve back down and turned my car on, driving to the studio. I finally went back to work six months ago, taking off almost half a year off to recover. My songs weren't as happy as before, but neither were they as depressing as before. I truly was slowly recovering and building a resistance against the urges to pick up the razor again.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>"Bye K! I'll see you tomorrow, right?" I yelled across the parking lot like I had before. Yet when I turned towards my car I stilled. The red Mercedes parked next to mine was definitely not something I was expecting, but the blonde man leaning against it patiently was something I never thought I would see.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hiro glanced at me and followed my eyes as did Tohma and the rest of my band. Yuki looked at me, smoking a cigarette, and a small smile graced his lips. I finally found my feet and walked carefully towards him, not really certain what to expect, while everyone else just stood and watched us. Ah, I forgot. This is the first time they ever saw us together outside of the hospital. Though Yuki and I saw each other every day, it was not something we did with everyone else.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Shuichi." He answered quietly, watching my every move.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I licked my lips and smiled, "Hi Yuki…"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I saw his golden eyes glance over my shoulder at the little gathering, but then they focused on me once more. I tried not to drown in those eyes, tried not to lose myself as he gazed down at me, but I don't think it's possible…Something was different in his eyes this time, something more noticeable and yet at the same time hooded.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Yuki?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He threw his cigarette to the ground, stomping it out with a twist of his foot, and then gave a nervous sigh. What could he be nervous about? I don't think I've seen him this nervous since the hospital when he was uncertain if I would jump on him or scream in fear at him. "Shu…I wanted to ask you…" He growled and finally said, "I wanted to ask you if you wanted to go out tonight."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I think my mouth dropped open because Yuki gave a snort. "You really want to take me somewhere?" I asked in an almost disbelieving voice. He was asking me out on a date…a real date!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His eyes settled on me once more and he reached up and caressed my cheek. "Yes, I want to take you everywhere I go Shu. And if you give me the chance…I swear I'll not mess it up this time."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I leaned into his touch. The first touch he had physically given me in almost a year. I had not even received a pat on the hand in all the meetings we had and now I think I understood. He was afraid to touch me, afraid I'd reject him as much as I was afraid he'd reject me. "Seven?" I finally asked.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I saw his eyes light up and a real smile grace his lips. "I'll pick you up." He let his thumb run over my lips before climbing back into his car and driving away.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>I sighed and looked in the mirror for the last time. I had gained a lot of weight since the hospital and was back to my normal hundred pounds. My face was no longer pale, my eyes had gained some of their sparkle back even though I could see how much less they shined, and my hair was smooth once more and had regained its luster. I smoothed down my shirt, having no idea where Yuki was taking me I had dressed in a nice black button down shirt and black slacks, and hoped I chose correctly. There were still many things we had to talk about and I knew it would take him years to rebuild the trust I one held for him, but I was willing and so was he.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"It could work." I whispered aloud the manta I had silently chanted in my head as I dressed. I wanted this to work. I wanted my lover back.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But neither of us were unchanged. Where I had once been loud, brash and hyper, I became quieter—not too quiet—I thought things through now and I became more conservative. I didn't ramble on any more, I wrote songs that Yuki would probably call at a 'fifth grader's level', and even more I wasn't as spontaneous. If I was like this as I was when I had first met Yuki, we probably never would've gotten together in the first place. I no longer sought him out as I had done time and time again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Yuki as well had changed. He became more talkative, listened to me and commented on what I said, asking questions and softening his voice so he wasn't always barking at me like usual. He smiled more and kept the insults at a minimum—even when I made a mistake or a fool of myself. He usually just called me 'baka', but it was more affectionate than demeaning and he was no longer so cold, and not just towards me.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I heard the doorbell ring and an immediate smile came to my lips. I would never be over what happened and I was certain that I would never completely stop cutting myself, but I was willing to give Yuki another chance. I needed him, I wanted him and I loved him. I could only hope he felt the same. Opening the door to greet Yuki, I opened the door to my heart as well and let Yuki in once more—it was his to hold or to crush.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Dhampir<br/>Page 15</p>
<p>
  <strong>End</strong>
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<p><strong>Note:</strong> And that's the end! I did do a sequel, which was much more lighthearted and long, but I never finished it. If I ever finish it, I'll post it ^_^</p>
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